Rumors surrounding Apple's products and its executives have, for better or worse, become part of the company's DNA. There's no shortage of Web sites that have devoted their existence to tracking the tiniest shred of a rumor, which has kept the mill churning for years.
Steve Jobs played no small part in cultivating the hysteria. Jobs's signature style when it came to unveiling new products was so successful that other tech CEOs have attempted to do the same, all the while failing to understand that showmanship isn't a substitute for substance.
In 2005, the Apple hype machine earned the Saturday Night Live treatment, with Fred Armisen delivering a Jobs impersonation we might have seen more of had Jobs' health not so steadily and obviously deteriorated. But in 2005, the pace of the Apple hype was in full swing, new iPods seemed to be coming out every other week and Jobs was the ultimate salesman of the future. In a Weekend Update segment, Armisen's Jobs unveiled first the "iPod Micro," a paperclip-sized device that could hold 50,000 songs and play HD movies.
"But we can barely see it," said Tina Fey. "Exactly, that's exciting," said Jobs, who then tossed it to the ground and declared the device would be obsolete by Thanksgiving when the company introduced the "new iPod Pequeno….the smallest iPod yet. It holds a MILLION songs."
Today, size is still a prominent aspect of Apple products. However, the interest has steadily deepened into almost every conceivable area of a product's construction. These days we're hearing that Apple is working on smaller iPads and larger iPhones. In April, the buzz was that the iPhone 5's casing would be made of "liquid metal."
It's time to take the rumors to the extreme. For the sake of being completely arbitrary, we'll flash ahead to 2017 and offer what are sure to be the next generation of Apple rumors. We'd also like to hear your best fictitious Apple rumors, so send 'em our way:
The Apple Rumors of 2017:
Apple is rumored to be producing an iPad so small users will be able to carry it in their pocket or download music on it and clip it to their shirts when they run. They are going to call it the iPod, a reference to an item it released in 2001.
In the fall of 2017, Apple is expected to release its latest iPhone, now with a 14-inch screen, optimal for video calling and surfing the Web at your desk. It's being manufactured using leftover pieces of the early iPads. It will be made in an evaporated liquid casing -- referred to as the "cloud."
Tim Cook will be named president of The United States of Apple. The good news: We can still chant, "USA! USA!"
iPhone 8 to feature brain docking kit, allowing Siri to become your best, and only, friend.
Apple will be on the cutting edge of Ray Kurzweil-predicted nanotechnology breakthroughs, helping to create nanobots for the bloodstream that will help turn us into immortal cyborg creatures.
We don't mean any of that. But what will the Apple rumors be like in five years? We'll feature some of the best you can come up with.
- Steve Jobs