Laura Rowley Money & Happiness

Rather than just spend money this Valentines Day, why not take the opportunity to talk about it? With the economy throwing a wrench in household finances, an open dialogue about numbers, fears, dreams, and goals can help put couples on the same page and even revitalize a relationship.

Belinda Fuchs, a Boston-based financial coach who is president of OwnYourMoney.com, says she's seeing more couples than ever at her workshops. "They're feeling an urgency that they never have before," she explains. "The financial crisis has the potential to create an opening, or they both retreat to their corners and it becomes even more challenging."

More than 40 percent of U.S. couples say the recession has caused them to argue more often, primarily about finances and household chores, according to a recent survey by Paypal. The latter concern may be a result of changing roles: One in 10 couples reported that the primary breadwinner in their relationship had changed because of job loss or salary reduction.

"Most people 'should' on themselves and they 'should' on their partners without talking about it, and it's horrible because it creates [unspoken] expectations," Fuchs says. "You have to align on your values, inspiration, and combined purpose for your money. What's the dream or vision you have for your life?"

Using a Coach

For Anne and Jim Lawrence of Massachusetts, a coach was key to help them get clarity on their assets, liabilities, money influences, and styles, and learn new ways to work as a team. (Couples can find free or low-cost counseling through the National Foundation for Credit Counseling.)

"I'm the spender and he's the saver-avoider," says Anne, 56. "My father was first-generation American, a freelance commercial artist, and Jim's family came over on the Mayflower; he grew up in a banking family. So my relationship to money and resources is very different than Jim's. I couldn't hear him or understand the recommendations he was making -- they were so conservative I thought I was going suffer for the rest of my life."

The Lawrences were already overextended on credit cards when Jim, 46, was laid off. They learned practical ways to reduce spending on cell phones, cable, and other bills, and Fuchs worked with Anne to help her negotiate a 20 percent pay increase. Jim found a new job, and they were able to pay off about $6,000 in debt. Then Anne was laid off this month.

"It's not as devastating as it would have been if we hadn't had a plan in place," she says, adding that she can lean on severance while she seeks new work. "I just have to keep looking at where we can cut back. We've done a lot of work and we really communicate. I think the biggest thing is just appreciating his perspective, and he understands what drives me."

Finding the Right Tool

Other couples find the key to financial harmony is using better tools. Olga Ward, 30, a Portland, Ore., human resources professional, is married to a computer technician and has a 3-year-old son. After bouncing a check to the daycare provider 18 months ago, she sought a solution.

"I was extremely embarrassed," she says. "It was the combination of debit cards, writing checks, and then having the mortgage and other payments coming out automatically -- all on different dates. We weren't really in debt, but many times we used a credit card as a crutch when something unexpected came up, like car repairs."

Olga says the uncertainty created tension. "There was an underlying stress because every time he would buy something, I felt like he paid too much because he doesn't look at prices," she recalls. "Or I would stop by a store and end up leaving with a bunch of clothes, and then I'd feel guilty."

She and her spouse both grew up in modest circumstances and met in college. Olga emigrated to the U.S. from Nakhodka, Russia, where inflation was so rampant that her parents rushed to the store on payday to buy groceries before prices rose. "It was so hard to learn to save; you had to spend so you had enough food in the house," she recalls.

Ward signed up with Mvelopes.com, a subscription online budgeting system that's linked electronically to the user's debit and credit cards, as well as checking and savings accounts. Ward created virtual "envelopes" for each spending category with budgeted monthly amounts, based on take-home pay. For instance, Ward might set aside $100 for clothing; if she spends $40 on her debit card at The Gap, the expenditure shows up in a "new transactions" folder. She clicks and drags it into the clothing envelope, which decreases by $40, so she knows she has exactly $60 left that month to spend on clothing.

"We don't cringe anymore when someone brings home something they bought for themselves," Ward says. "He can buy computer games for $60 as long as the money is in the envelope, and I can go out with a friend and get pedicures. We don't police each other -- the system polices us."

After they paid off their second vehicle, they diverted that payment directly into savings. Where they used to live paycheck to paycheck, they now have three months of living expenses stashed away and have started an education fund for their son.

Breaking Up Is Harder to Do

For some couples, the differences go beyond finances and are irreconcilable. But even then, experts advise couples not to establish separate households before getting a handle on their assets.

"It has been a perfect economic storm for unhappy couples with the downturn of stock and housing markets together," says Gabrielle Clemens, a Boston-based tax attorney and certified divorce financial analyst. "The assets have shrunk to the point where there's nothing to divide up -- what they are dividing these days is debt. As a last resort, couples are staying together -- at least until there's a market turnaround."

Clemens recommends that couples heading for a breakup consult a third-party mediator "so they can sit in a safe environment and educate everybody on what the finances are. It's opening up and demystifying the financial planning process. Not understanding what they have creates a lot of fear."

And not specifying the asset values can be disastrous. Consider the New York attorney who is suing his ex-wife to reclaim some of the $2.7 million settlement he gave her in cash. He came out of the divorce with an investment account that the couple never bothered to value -- managed by Bernard Madoff.

"In my process we pick a specific valuation date," says Clemens. "We add up the marital assets and divide them in half and convert the valuation to cash. For example, if I have $75,000 in my 401(k) and I owe him $25,000 of it, we take the $25,000 and put it in cash so there's no market exposure with respect to the funds I owe him. The more detailed and concrete numbers you can use in these agreements at this volatile time in market, the more protected you will be."