Laura Rowley Money & Happiness

I was in the grocery store, trying nonchalantly to slip through the express checkout with more than 15 items, when I noticed Eva Longoria staring at me.

The "Desperate Housewives" star and her groom, NBA player Tony Parker, graced the cover of OK! Magazine above the headline "Wedding of the Year." OK! reportedly shelled out $2 million for exclusive coverage of the July 7 event in France, which included a $75,000 Angel Sanchez wedding gown, chateau reception, and ample bling (all the women among the 200 guests were given 18k gold bracelets).

"We couldn't be closer to heaven," the lovebirds said.

Why Brides Become Bridezillas

The marketing of the wedding as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be close to heaven -- or at least close to celebrity -- is explored in "One Perfect Day: The Selling of the American Wedding," by New Yorker writer Rebecca Mead.

The book is a must-read for future brides and grooms who want to honor the day without getting caught up in the escalating production values promoted by the industry.

"An American wedding is a testament to the enduring desire to have things that seem meaningful and make a statement of commitment," Mead says. "People want to know how to get married, and the people most readily available to tell them are the people selling the stuff to do it. There are cultural forces that encourage ‘bridezilla' behavior."

Wanting the Best, Spending the Most

Those forces begin with "norms" touted by the media. Consider that the much-publicized cost of the average wedding -- $28,000 -- comes from a study conducted by Conde Nast Bridal Group, publisher of three wedding magazines and a web site. The study's respondents are those who had answered an online survey, responded to a magazine promotion, or attended a bridal show. Not exactly the population of brides at large.

"If a bride has been told, repeatedly, that it costs nearly $28,000 to have a wedding, then she starts to think that spending $28,000 on a wedding is just one of those things a person has to do, like writing a rent check every month," Mead writes.

Mead looks behind the wedding-industrial complex, including the Chinese seamstress who earns 40 cents for sewing the skirt on a $1,000 gown; the Cinderella coach and other trappings of Disney's "Fairy Tale Wedding Department"; and the videographer who encourages peers at an industry conference to double their prices, because "parents want the best for their children."

Oscar-Winning Vows

Mead also investigates a number of wedding "traditions" that turn out not to be time-honored rituals at all, but creations of the bridal industry. "The engagement ring was invented by [diamond producer] De Beers in the 1930s and 1940s," she says. "The so-called traditional bridesmaid luncheon, rehearsal dinner, pre-wedding barbecue, and post-wedding brunch don't have a basis in history. It's easier to say no to things like that if you understand that it's not wrong to not do them."

The funniest chapter in "One Perfect Day" is about the demand for contemporary vows from ministers-for-hire in a nation where 40 percent of people have no religious affiliation. Mead probes the origin of an Apache Indian prayer popular in wedding ceremonies -- and discovers that it was actually written by a screenwriter for a Jimmy Stewart western in 1950. While not authentic, it was apparently good copy, as the screenplay won an Academy Award.

When I asked Mead which wedding expense is the biggest waste of money, she demurred. "I'm not dictating to other people what to do," she says. "What I do point out is the ways in which different parts of the industry promote themselves as essential when they're not. They're very clever at playing on people's emotions."

Love for (Nearly) Nothing

There are infinite ways to create a memorable celebration on a budget. Fifteen years ago this month my husband and I were planning our wedding for 150 guests (we both come from large families). After meeting with a caterer who wanted $12,000 for room-temperature chicken, I went home to sulk and my husband went to a bar.

It was a serendipitous drowning of sorrows. He ran into a friend, a chef for a huge catering firm, who offered to do the wedding freelance.

Granted, this required my fiance to go to the meatpacking district the day before the wedding and buy 120 chickens, but we were able to serve a gourmet buffet for a lot less than $12,000. And we skipped the wedding video. (For more ideas on affordable wedding planning, see my blog.)

Making Marriage Sustainable

The latest trend is the "green" wedding, which encourages couples to reuse, recycle, and leave a smaller carbon footprint than a Longoria-Parker style affair. Corina Beczner, who runs Vibrant Events in San Francisco, suggests altering a family member's wedding dress, collecting old family jewelry and melting it down for wedding bands, and sourcing flowers from a farmers market.

"There's this desire in modern society to want everything new, but it can be much more meaningful to reuse things," Beczner says. On the other hand, in some cases, "going green does cost more money ... you're paying to align your values with sustainability."

Mead is skeptical. "I think environmental consciousness is a fantastically good thing, but a lot of green products in general are being sold because it's the latest buzzword," she says. "It's great to give out wildflower seeds as a wedding favor, but if your guests have to fly halfway across the country to get to you, it's not a very green wedding."

The Rite Statement

Why do so many couples spend more than half of the median American income on a single day in the first place? Mead suggests it's because many of the rite-of-passage aspects of a wedding have been lost to history.

"People talk about the trials of planning a wedding -- it's exhausting and emotionally consuming," she says. "In the book I write about how it's an invented trauma. The life of the newlywed used to be quite traumatic -- leaving home, suddenly living in an intimate relationship with someone.

"These days, the day after isn't so different from the day before. People hope that if they make a statement with their wedding, it will have a talismanic effect on the rest of their marriage."