Ben Stein How Not to Ruin Your Life

I usually write about investments. But, as I like to say, our biggest investment is in ourselves, and our biggest moneymaking asset is ourselves.

I know many of you are salespeople, and darned good ones. But maybe you could be a bit better. In that case, here are a few tips for making you better -- in reverse-psychological terms of what you should avoid doing. It's my "how to lose the deal" list.

If you see yourself doing or believing any of the following naughty things, stop and have another think:

1. You're always more important in every way than your clients and customers. Compared with you, the customer and client are always second best. You're a first-class citizen. Your clients and customers are peons.

2. Your time is always more important than the time of your clients and customers. They have to accommodate you and your schedule, always and everywhere.

Your time is precious -- especially your leisure time. Your customers' time is limitless and worthless. Don't ever even think of changing your schedule to accommodate the people who pay your salary.

3. You learn from talking far more than you learn from listening. Talk all you want, but don't bother to pay attention to anything your customer says. He's just a bore.

4. Your smaller customers are just insignificant pawns and not worth paying much attention to.

5. Don't sweat the details or the small stuff, like year-to-year increases in rent or other charges. You're way too important to worry about trivia, and let your customers know it.

6. Pooh-pooh your clients' concerns and complaints; renters and clients and suppliers are all cranks and whiners. Don't let them waste your valuable time.

7. Don't do it today if you can possibly do it tomorrow. Mañana is your motto.

8. Keep to your standard pitch and don't bother to change it or customize it for individual clients and customers.

9. Every female prospect or client is a potential sexual conquest. They want you to flirt with them and try to seduce them. They'll be insulted if you don't put your coolest moves on them.

10. How you look and present yourself is your business and no one else's.

If you like the unshaven Hollywood look, if you don't bother to shower or use deodorant, or if you don't brush your teeth and people don't like it, that's their problem. If you're satisfied with the way you look and smell, that's good enough for anyone.

You're not a baby. You have to do what pleases you, not what anyone else wants. Or, as Charles Manson famously said to his judge, "You can't judge me. Only I can judge me."

11. Unless your client is obviously rich, shower him with contempt.

12. Let your untrained, part-time, barely literate assistants deal with your customers. Your golf game and your new boat come first. Tell your assistants you're not to be disturbed unless it's a matter of life or death.

13. Put your girlfriend or boyfriend on the payroll and back them to the hilt no matter how badly they screw up.

14. Take a stand on principle. Don't compromise your principles even if it means losing the deal. Stand up for your rights. Don't let yourself be pushed around or lose face no matter what.

15. Use email, preferably mass emails, instead of personal contacts.

16. Never apologize, even if you're totally wrong. Never admit you've done anything wrong, no matter what. If you've done it, by definition it's right.

17. Make personal comments about your clients, especially to point out their faults and how poorly they understand their business and how much better you understand it.

18. Never do any research or any footwork about a client. You're a cool, Ferris Bueller type of guy. You can always wing it.

19. Gossip with the competition to let them know how fabulously well you're doing and what great deals are in your life. No one will ever betray your trust or try to steal your clients or the deal. You'll be happy you talked a lot. It'll show what a big guy you are.

20. Be careless with your files. If they get lost, so what? Someone somewhere will have a copy.

21. There are always more clients out there. Don't worry at all about losing one or two each day. Others will come through the door in a second.

22. Once the client has signed the deal, you don't even have to remember his name. You've got the check and that guy is now ancient history.

As I said, if you see yourself doing more than one or two of these -- or any of them -- then try, try again.