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  • lonesome_polecatt lonesome_polecatt Feb 12, 2013 12:52 PM Flag

    Doc, this is for you because I know how much the medical profession loves lawyers.

     

    COURT REPORTERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES !


    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
    things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
    published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
    while the exchanges were taking place.



    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?


    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy ?'


    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?


    WITNESS: My name is Susan !


    _______________________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?


    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


    ______________________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?


    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


    _____________________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?


    WITNESS: July 18th.


    ATTORNEY: What year?


    WITNESS: Every year.


    _____________________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?


    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.


    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?


    WITNESS: Forty-five years.


    __________________________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


    WITNESS: Yes.


    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?


    WITNESS: I forget..


    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


    _________________________________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
    he doesn't know about it until the next morning?


    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


    ____________________________________



    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?


    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.


    ___________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?


    WITNESS: Are you #$%$ me?


    _________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


    WITNESS: Yes.


    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?


    WITNESS: Getting laid


    ____________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?


    WITNESS: Yes.


    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


    WITNESS: None.


    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
    new attorney?


    ____________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?


    WITNESS: By death..


    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


    WITNESS: Take a guess.


    ___________________________________________



    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?


    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard


    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.


    _____________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?


    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


    ______________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
    people?


    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


    _________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?


    WITNESS: Oral...


    _________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?


    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM


    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?


    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


    ____________________________________________


    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?


    ______________________________________


    And last:



    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
    pulse?


    WITNESS: No.


    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


    WITNESS: No.


    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


    WITNESS: No..


    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
    began the autopsy?


    WITNESS: No.


    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?


    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.


    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
    nevertheless?


    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
    practicing law.

    Sentiment: Hold

    This topic is deleted.
 
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