This is Captain Okarma of the Good Ship Titanic Speaking
It has come to my attention that some of the paid passengers are spreading rumors that we have struck an iceberg. Let me be the first to say that until I receiving a letter from the Iceberg Identification Committee I am unable to comment specifically. Once I have the letter and have had a discussion with the committee, I will communicate my findings and my thinking to you, the paying passengers.
Also, the slight bump we experienced should not be interpreted as "hitting an iceberg" as some have done, but a slight adjustment in our course. Also, the second crunch you might have experienced what just added assurance that we've settled safely on the bottom.
Until that time, please continue to enjoy your cruise and pay no attention to the crew, who will be conducting various training exercises such as swimming to the surface.