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  • gfo99 gfo99 Jan 25, 2012 3:47 PM Flag

    This why Newt should B president

    Newt Gingrich's serial adultery makes him better than you 17 second(s) ago
    In today's edition of Why Newt Gingrich is Better Than You in Every WayTM, Newt sits down with David Brody of the Christian Broadcasting Network to explain why the Bible-thumping "family values" "sanctity of marriage" evangelicals are so willing to forgive Newt for his lifelong pattern of commandment-breaking.

    And I think most people can identify, either with themselves or with loved ones, that life has moments that are very sad, you wish wouldn’t have occurred. And you look back on them and you seek forgiveness for not having done everything you could have.

    Ah, the classic "mistakes were made" passive voice, a staple of Republican rationalizations. Newt sure wishes that whole "ditching his wife when she got sick and something younger and hotter came along"—TWICE!—thing hadn't occurred, but hey, whatcha gonna do? Sometimes these things happen. And it makes Newt sad. Especially when he looks back and realizes he didn't do everything he could have done to not cheat on his sick wives.

    But let us continue:

    So, I think in that sense, it may make me more normal than somebody who wanders around seeming perfect and maybe not understanding the human condition, and the challenges of life for normal people.

    And here is where Newt turns his decades of moral failings into a reason to vote for him. You see, being a serial adulterer just makes him more normal than, say, Barack Obama or Mitt Romney, who've only had one wife apiece, which is, you know, not very normal of them. After all, as Rush Limbaugh said last week, who doesn't have an "angry ex-spouse" or two hanging around, giving bitter interviews on national TV?

    So what's the take-home message here? Sure, Newt Gingrich may have spent his entire adult life personally trying to destroy the sanctity of marriage, but (a) he's sorry that happened, and (b) it just makes him a better, more normal person anyway.

    Oh, and (c) those people who are oh-so-concerned about protecting the sanctity of their definition of marriage? Like a certain national organization that congratulated Newt on his South Carolina victory last Saturday? Yeah, they're completely 100 percent full of crap. Frankly.

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    • Yes, Newt's marital infidelities were all part of his master plan to become president of the USA. The guy is fairly brilliant. Newt knew that the evangelical vote would be important in the primaries and in the general election. And there's nothing evangelicals love more than a "repentant sinner". So Newt had to do some sinning, breaking his marriage vows to his first wife, cheating on her with the woman who was to become his second wife. But during his second marriage, Newt must have decided he needed to do even more sinning to get the respect of the evangelicals that he craved. So he cheated on his second wife, with the woman who was to become wife number 3.

      With his sinning quota clearly fulfilled, Newt then performed the "act of repenting" (likely more "act" than actual "repenting") so that he could become the darling of so many evangelicals. It makes no sense to me as a voter, but that just shows the genius of Newt in action. Personally I think Newt as the Republican nominee would be a disaster for the USA (i.e. guaranteeing 4 more years of Obama), but as long as it all makes sense to the evangelicals, that's what counts.

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