A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now. He looks at her and says angrily; fix the light, now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so! The wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won�t close right. To which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don�t think so. Fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They�re about to break. I�m not a damn carpenter and I don�t want to fix steps, he says. Does it look like I have ace hardware written on my forehead? I don�t think so. I�ve had enough of you. I�m going to the bar!!! So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. Honey, he asks, how�d all this get fixed? She said, well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake. He said, so what kind of cake did you bake him? She replied, hellooooo.......do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don�t think so!
A wealthy Texas man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Bubba, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Bubba was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters, BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Bubba in the pool!
Bubba was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Bubba was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Bubba and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Bubba strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Bubba then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody just stared at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Bubba, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Bubba.
The wealthy man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Bubba.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Bubba said no.
Confused, the wealthy man asked, "Well, Bubba, then what do you want?"
Bubba said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle from a Christmas tree," he said."You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They represent jingle bells."Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with raised eyebrows and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"