“No profit grows where is no pleasure ta'en. In brief, sir, study what you most effect.” – William Shakespeare
"George Washington's brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country." – George Carlin
"It is now legal to carry a concealed weapon in all 50 states. So if you are in one of them, be careful." - Stephen Colbert
“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.” – J.R.R. Tolkien
"Our intent will not be to create gridlock. Oh, except maybe from time to time." - Bob Dole, on working with the Clinton administration
"People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America's original Willie Nelson." - Craig Ferguson
“The recipe for perpetual ignorance is: Be satisfied with your opinions and content with your knowledge.” – Elbert Hubbard
“The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise” – Alden Nowlan
"Former Senator Pete Domenici of New Mexico revealed that while in office he fathered a child with the daughter of another senator, who was a friend of his. He cheated on his wife with the daughter of another senator and they had a baby. When did the Senate become 'The Jerry Springer Show'?" – Jay Leno
“The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to get caught up.” – Keith Pawluck
Obama Wants To Be Next Pope
WASHINGTON, DC - Sources close to the White House have learned that Barack Obama is planning to run for the office of Pope when the College of Cardinals convenes to elect a successor to ailing Benedict XVI at the end of this month.
Calling on the promise of Equality for All, Obama is said to firmly believe that the time has come for a non-Catholic to occupy the Vatican's highest office.
Foreseeing a looming citizenship issue he states that he has discovered an Italian birth certificate that proves he was born in Rome before he was born in Kenya. "That Hawaiian birth certificate never has been worth what I paid for it anyway", he noted. Continuing, he concluded, "And there's no way that a handful of cardinals could be more expensive to buy than 10 million voters in Michigan."
Further questions should be directed to Obama's Papal Campaign Manager, Abdul Azeem Khan.