My guess is it's Charles Kellys only friend doing what he's asked.
Who would admit to masterbating 649 times? Only Chucks friends would. . .
Ask your wife, she's the one married to a limp tool fool. Bet she diddles quite a bit when the mailman or delivery boy aren't around to take care of her needs.
Poor Lisa, she's got a lonely three day weekend ahead of her. Got that Steely Dan out of the night table drawer and ready for action.