My cyber sweetheart. You did know and I did know this was never going to go anywhere other than here. I would be a liar if I said I felt no pull however but that is what makes it unique. I liked you before I knew anything about what you looked like.
The fact that you happen to be in line with what lights up my flir..makes it nice...but I'd have liked you anyway. I'd still want to talk with you. You are a real person M. I cannot totally explain it but I feel like you are part of me.
..........similair circuitry but different programing or visaversa.
You mentioned an unfullfilled need...you are correct in that like you I am passionate about politics. I love to exercise my sense of humor. I love to shape words to drive emotion for a point I am passionate about. This is an area of intense interest to me that I do not share at home and that is just the way it is. You have done nothing wrong and neither have I. If I worried every time someone flirted with my wife or she flirted back I'd be following her around like the Terminator. She has never worried because she knows me. I am loyal to a fault. That too is a discipline that happens to be quite practicle.
I switched handles to here for this reason.....you are dealing with now, what was the greatest battle for me I have ever faced. I know depression. I recognize it in others sometimes before they know it themselves....or admit it. I think you are aware.
I have lived in the eye of the storm when the wind in your life screams above you ..all around you ...so loud you cannot hear your own pathetic, tortured sobs to God.... and the raging waves bear their glistening fangs at you with dark imaginings of the present and future only a demon could conjure. I know what it is like to feel like a helpless rag doll shaken in the teeth of the beast....and all I wanted was for someone..something to make it stop. I was on medical leave for three months once. My sister was dying, I had lost about 1 million dollars in the markets and was being sued by 3 different people over a bad business investment all at the same time. I was in the classic BF Skinner Box. Responsible for the outcomes I could do nothing to effect the outcome.
All this happened ten years ago almost to the month.
Men like me are not allowed to show weakness you know...not to your friends..your co-workers.....not even your wife or young kids.
You know when I was even more of a jerk than I have apparently been to you I would hear that someone was suffering from depression occassionally. I'd, call them up and use my charm and sense of humor to get them laughing (and they would)...and I'd hang up thinking I had really helped them....how galatically ignorant of me. You know something, we don't even mention depression on the prayer list or in service I think because of the stigma. Everything and i mean everything else but this...this terrible curse for those who know it.
Please don't try to find answers here. You get an endorfin high when you battle and that is why you do it. So do I. Now do you get why I sound like a psyco sometimes? It is cathartic and fun and challenging but you must promise me, some guy you do not know who actually cares about you, that you will seek others venues if a soulmate is what you seek. You are too vulnerable now anyway for that. I promised not to proselytize (much) so I wont. You need some people praying for you and you need to talk to someone with real wisdom in this area of dealing with this. Working out really HARD helped the most for me I found. Doctors supervision sleep aids help a lot for me. Tears by the way are not a bad thing..they are a release...a gift from God. They cleanse.
BTW.......The God you do not know cares about you. I can see why. You are a pretty neat creatation of his. I am certain of it because I do not even know you...and I care.
B is how I started, so let's go with B. Do you prefer M or R?
If the "stuff" is what you told me about your mother, my empathetic and hopeful vibes and energy go out to you and yours. Don't know if they can travel over the Net, but they are there none the less.
Talk to you later,
P.S. I also swear to my tree god that I am not a guy, just a woman with a raunchy side, which comes through in my posts sometimes (like scratching myself in the a.m. and calling co-workers names like d***h***--not to their faces, of course, and using other bad language. It comes from working in a male-dominated field for too many years). :)
I'm willing to take a shot at the cyber pen-pal thing, we just need to take care with what we post and think how the other person might perceive it.
I certainly wasn't making light of your horrible depression, and my apologies if you felt that. Believe me, I've been there myself at the mouth of the black vortex, hanging on by a string, as it tries to suck me in, struggling just to get through one, single day. I remember finding a lump in my breast about two weeks after my man passed, and my first thought was, "Maybe I have breast cancer, so I can die and be with him." THAT is how bad I was. (The lump turned out to be nothing.)
I brought up the predisposition thing because I've seen it in my own family. There is a very physiological link here-- it ain't all "just in your head," and you can't just "snap out of it." Well, it IS in your head, but it's brain chemistry and function, not a "downer attitude." That's why many women have serious post-partum depression. Their hormones and body chemistry are all screwed up. And it runs in families.
I remember when that idiot Tom Cruise started running his chops about Brooke Shields' depression and bad-mouthing her medicine and doctors and talking about his stupid Scientology. My sister said, "We should put that dumbsa** in a room with Dad, and say, 'Here, cure our father's depression,' and just sit back and watch." (Dad has been hospitalized several times for bad bouts, and it took drastic treatment to finally get him back.)
And everybody has issues and problems, not just me. Everybody. I am grateful for all the good things in my life, and I try to enjoy all the simple pleasures, as they are so important.
I met some wonderful people in a cafe while on my business trip. The owner and his family are of the same background as my father. I saw their wall calendar and recognized the language. We had a wonderful conversation, and the owner's father, who is my father's age, took my hand and smiled. He had black eyes with really long eye lashes, just like my dad.
To me, the most important thing in life is making that human connection with others. Sharing humanity, realizing we're all in the same boat on this crazy but wonderous planet, trying to make life a little easier for each other. To me, that really is what life is all about.
I see by your silence this is no help to you.....I get it. It was worth a try.
I had hoped it would be better and we might actually have developed a friendship. Chat rooms with there attendant problems are no place to carry on a conversation.
I got a call this morning and have to deal with some of the stuff we talked about earlier. Hope things go well with your folks too B.
Sincerely hope you find your Brian.
Read this slowly. That is how I am thinking it as I write.
Very well then...........
I will take you at your word that you are a girl. After your rant the other morning when you got woken up
by a co-worker and some other post I've read I seriously wondered. Misunderstandings are occuring on both sides here.
You are right about one thing M. This is a more difficult media to get a correct meaning across than I perceived and if any of it hurt you or made you feel bad for that I am sorry. Really.
Between yahoo dissappearing some really kind posts I wrote you and the frustration in trying to recreate them (time etc).........well.....
My objectives were to get to know you over the keys here; that you would find out that we conservatives are not quite the beast you think; to find common groud; to learn why you believe as you do; ......to express my genuine compassion for the place you are in now and what you have been through.
My efforts at creativity failed but when I wrote you how I felt about your loss....I was blinking back tears. What followed was a joke to break the tension. To your point, it is a clumsy tool to convey some more subtle but important meanings. Lessons learned.
I thought if we were friends enough we could eventually get around to talking about what I feel would really help you. Why? Because I was once perhaps where you are...and it did for me. My first note to you was actually about a theological discussion (Who is God..remember?) You did not want to go there so I have not.
There is more I would like to say but now I feel it will just come out....... wrong........ or not at all if yahoo gets in the way again.
P.S. I was hurt by your glossing over the life storm I shared with you and then you seemed (my perception) to be mocking my suffering.
Ok. What would you like to do? Think it's not worth it?
I understand either way.
Let's review your messages to me, shall we? You began with:
g'mornin babe. (he said brushing your hair gently away from your face) Thought about you. You're just waking up now. Hope you have a good day.
Who do you most look like (celebrity).
G'mornin hon. (brushes hair back..kisses her cheek...hands her Starbucks...)
....was listening to this and looking at your picture.
(looks down..takes her hand gently....looks her deeply in the eyes with a steady penetrating gaze.....pulls her close and hugs her....a long time.....strokes hair.)
Nice perfume B. You are hot BTW.
What shall we watch on netflix tonight. I am getting some wine. xxoo
The fact that you happen to be in line with what lights up my flir..makes it nice...but I'd have liked you anyway.
I told you I was uncomfortable with some of your endearments and talk as follows:
But remember, SH, this is the Internet, it's not real life, and you don't want online fun to detract or distract from real life. I enjoy conversing with you, but you are married with 3(?) kids, and I'm single and focused on building a life for myself with someone accessible to me.
I think you understand this, but the Internet is a very unnatural way of interacting with people because you can't see expressions or hear tone or get other sensory cues that someone is joking. And as a woman, I especially need to tread carefully here. And your posts do have a tendency to be over-the-top (whether politically or otherwise). Some of your rants under other handles are downright scary (I'm just being honest here).
I mean, you could be an axe murderer for all I know (I doubt it, but you never know).
I'm just being clear-eyed here, SH. As I said, I enjoy conversing with you, maybe we can learn from each other, discuss politics, finance, whatever, but I don't want it to get weird and obsessive and scary, capisci?
Remember that...? I was voicing my conflicting feelings and concerns HONESTLY and OPENLY because I am a VERY direct person.
Then, you post me a message calling me "my cybersweetheart" and saying you feel like I'm part of you.
Do you see how insensitive that was and why it might pi** me off? You know I'm going through a difficult time, you know I'm seeking a companion, yet you taunt me with this BS even though I basically told you I was uncomfortable with it.
What the he11 kind of "friend" is that???
You yell at me about saying that if you're thinking about me while you're with your wife to stop it AFTER you tell me you "thought about me," and I assume you and your wife live in the same house. Logical to assume that you might think about me when you're with her in the kitchen, the garage, wherever.
YOU asked me who I looked like.
YOU were the one who couldn't post without including "script directions," (why, I don't know--are you writing a soap opera or something?).
You need to turn OFF your massive ego and LISTEN to what somebody else is telling you instead of being so wrapped up in your own prose. And you need to stop, take a breath, and THINK before you call that somebody trying to tell you something IMPORTANT a JERK.
You owe me an apology, M, and a big one. I'm not going to chat with someone who is going to lead me through some ridiculous cyber drama I have neither the time no energy for.
Don't ask me what I look like and then get mad at ME because I tell/show you, and you happen to like it.
When I tell you something makes me uneasy, LISTEN.
If you were a widower, the LAST thing I would do is talk about cozy evenings with wine and Netflix. Unlike YOU, I KNOW how painful this would be to you.
And no, I am absolutely NOT a guy. But I am VERY serious about wanting (and deserving) an apology.
First, that is a bunch of bs....both those songs were great.
stop it. STOP IT! I AM NOT YOUR ENEMY M. Can we get off this. I will mind my manners if you will not make any comments about your hair, eyes, send pictures etc. It is natural to be curious but oh well.
I will also need an outh to your tree god that you are in fact NOT a guy.
I cannot be what you want me to be...as I made clear. You should not even be in that zip code on a chat room woman! You know that yourself. What would your mom think? Your dad?
To say I do not care....yes even now....... is wrong. It does not matter what you look like M. as I will never see you.
Intellectual infidelity or whatever you called it? Thinking about you WHEN I"M WITH MY WIFE? Are you serious? You might be a dead ringer for Helen Thomas for all I know.
You can go on hating on me all you want. I see right through that....and I am still here. Can you just trust me that to get to know you was what I wanted. Why does it have to be so difficult.
I make no appolgy over my cyber hug on your loss....I meant that with everything I am. I'd have done that for Helen Thomas......after she had bath....and was fully dressed for snow shoveling.
This could be fun.
I have a great sense of humor. If these Yahoo censors would let me write once in a while.
I DO NOT want you to be unhappy M. Your move. Try not being so angry at me for just ONE post. Lets get a chance to change the subject.
There is lots to talk about.
Whatever you want to call this, to a wife (or woman), it IS indeed emotional infidelity, my friend. You don't tell your wife you're up here posting to me, do you? You're "working" or whatever. Not chatting with a chick on the Internet. So, let's call a spade a spade, because I hate BS.
No "cyber sweetheart" stuff, no romantic songs, no staring at pictures of an actress who looks like me, no kissing of necks or stroking of hair--none of that crap, okay? And if you're thinking of me when you're with your wife, STOP. It makes me uncomfortable, makes me feel dirty, and I'm a nice girl here. I don't dabble in married men. Never have, and don't plan on ever starting. Momma didn't raise me that way. Married men are trouble, and so are separated men, she said, and she was RIGHT. DANGER, Will Rogers.
If we chat, we keep it platonic. Helpful. Friendly. Positive.
Sounds like you have a predisposition for depression, too. It runs in my family. Both parents have been hospitalized for it at various points in their lives, all of the siblings have had it, two of the grandparents, and all of the aunts. I am being treated for it and have for years, but sometimes, it flares up and gets worse, and I just have to work through it. Yes, exercise helps. Sunlight helps, too, and creative work, gardening, being around people. I know what to do because I've been dealing with it a long time. Family predisposition towards alcoholism and pill-popping, too, but fortunately, that gene missed me. I drink the occasional glass of wine, but I can take it or leave it, and any meds I take are the lowest dose and stay that way.
I redid my landscape last year. Worked with a landscape contractor, planned my own gardens, including raised beds and some metal work. He and his team did most of the work, including the watering system, but I subbed out the metal work.
By the end of the job, the contractor was ready to never see me again, because I rode his a$$ (and those of his workers) and made sure things were done RIGHT, to MY standards, but the end result is gorgeous, and I get compliments on it all the time. Was out breaking up dirt clods in the raised beds yesterday because the veggie starts are going in next month.
Fall is my favorite season, too. In fact, all of the trees I had planted were picked for their non-invasive roots, moderate size, and--most of all--fall color.
So, WTF were you doing to lose that much money in the market, M??? D***, do we have different investing styles. I'm slow and steady growth over long periods of time. I don't like wild swings in my finances or my life. That's why my late honey and I were so good together. He was steady and even, and I liked that about him. No head games, and no drama. He tended to spend too much, but I got him into saving and conservative investing for the future. We influenced each other in many positive ways. I wouldn't have been with him if he'd been into taking big financial risks, because I couldn't deal with that in a husband. No way. That's another reason I'm still single. I call the shots with my finances, nobody else, and that's never going to change. I have a friend who spent YEARS paying off her ex-husband's gambling debts because it had destroyed her credit. No, thanks. Not for me. I work too hard for my money to let somebody else pi$$ it away.
Off to brunch. Happy Easter to you and yours.