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  • dowjones1234 dowjones1234 Nov 2, 2011 12:13 PM Flag

    Human History!

    For those that don’t know about history, here is a condensed version:

    Humans originally existed as members of small bands of Nomadic hunters and gatherers. They lived on moose in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and seafood in the winter.

    The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

    These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for splitting humanity into tow distinct subgroups:

    Liberals
    Conservatives

    Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around for them to be invented, they just stayed close the brewery. That is how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. this was the begining of what is known as the Conservative movement.

    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

    Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest and most powerful land animal on the earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

    Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added) but prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef will done. Sushi, tofu and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

    Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

    Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Shiner Bock. they eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers. Firefighters, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.

    Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

    Now, we are in present times..... And, that ends today’s lesson in world history.....

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    • The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

      Good.

    • You seem to think all liberals are g a y or l e s b i a n. Aren't there some firebrand, real man liberals? I think there are. I'm one. Besides, conservatives depend upon state welfare--welfare for the huge corporations and government contracts and lowering of taxes. Lets face it -- both liberals and conservativess feed from the govt trough, whether you admit it or not!

    • You forgot to mention that liberals have managed to get conservatives to do all the work because the liberals are so much smarter than conservatives... It sort of like the liberals are the shepards and the conservatives are the sheep... Which explains why low income conservatives always vote for rich conservatives who treat them like dirt. Liberals just laugh at the low income conservatives who vote this way, just as rich conservatives laugh at low income conservatives even while they are using and abusing them. and this is the real history of the world, as can be deduced by reading the bible, which is a colection of some of the liberals historical notes, to be passed on to younger generations to help them to understand that conservatives are dangerous, but easy to control... All you have to do is allow rich or powerful conservatives control the wealth, and they keep working class conservatives completely under control, and thus allow liberals to keep both rich and poor conservatives under control... Which is why the human species has not extincted itself.

    • Have another Rolling Rock, Pop, you earned it!

 
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