Republican mastermind Karl Rove and Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert sit at a bar. It is 3 a.m.
DENNIS: Can't we just say, "Vote for us, or the Democrats will let the gay immigrant New York Times-reading terrorists in?"
KARL: Denny, it's late. You're tired.
DENNIS: "And they'll all have partial-birth abortions paid for by YOUR estate-tax dollars?" What's wrong with THAT for a GOP platform? Worked before.
KARL: Look, I appreciate your brainstorming, but let's leave that part to me, okay? Sixty-three percent of Americans don't approve of the way the Republicans in Congress are doing their job and we're getting creamed in all our old strengths - terror, Iraq, immigration and, so help me, ethics.
DENNIS: Ethics? No way!
KARL: Don't worry - I've got a bunch of great ideas how to turn this thing around. Like, remember how strong we always were on defense?
DENNIS: Till we started minting terrorists.
KARL: Precisely my point! If we keep cleverly "minting" terrorists in Iraq, what happens next?
DENNIS: Rockettes in burkas.
KARL: No! The terrorists blow each other up. Boom, boom, boom - they're all dead. Iraq empties out, we go back in, fix the pipelines and voil�: Cheap oil for everyone!
DENNIS: That's our platform? "Vote for us so no one is left alive in Iraq?"
KARL: And you can fill your Hummer for less than a Jamba Juice.
DENNIS: Well ... I guess it's not so bad.
KARL: And that's just ONE idea. Here's another. Remember all the great pix we got out of that conference when we boldly denounced killings in the schools? So we hold another conference next week against killings outside of schools.
DENNIS: I think I need another drink.
KARL: And let's not forget Medicare Part D!
DENNIS: My mom still can't figure hers out.
KARL: See? That's keeping her mentally active. Thank you, Republican Party, for keeping America's seniors challenged!
DENNIS: I liked the old slogan: "Vote GOP or stem cells will be used to cure terrible diseases."
KARL: Need something catchier.
DENNIS: How about, "The GOP: Watching your back, tapping your phone."
KARL: That's Pirro's slogan.
DENNIS: Maybe, "The GOP: No major catastrophes since 9/11, except for one little war."
KARL: I toyed with that, but then everyone started harping about we should have handled Foley and North Korea and Iran and ... wait a second! That's it! "Vote for us or the Democrats will have won."
DENNIS: Karl, you ARE a genius. (Falls off his stool.)