OPENING PRAYER by the REVEREND JERRY FALWELL who will demonstrate the spirit of Compassionate Conservatism(tm) and the eternal mercy of God by wishing a horrible fiery death and an eternity in the pit of hell for all non-white, non-male, non-Christian non-heterosexual non-Republicans.
1. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to PULSATING RED
2. THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF INSANELY RICH PERSONS (AAIRP) will present LAURA BUSH with A PLATINUM CHAINSAW in thanks for the Bush Administration tax cuts (Sponsored by Gulfstream)
3. ANN COULTER, BILL O'REILLY and SEAN HANNITY will lead a special
TWO-MINUTE HATE aimed at photo of John Kerry.
4. CLIMAX OF THE EVENING -- DIEBOLD CORPORATION WILL ANNOUNCE ELECTION
RETURNS - BUSH WINS RE-ELECTION WITH 51% OF VOTE (YET TO BE CAST). (JUSTICE ANTONIN SCALIA will certify vote results) Diebold Board member Wilbur H. Grafton will deny fraud, announce his retirement, and be named the new Ambassador to Jamaica. (Sponsored by Diebold)
5. SUGGESTED AFTER-EVENT -- GET WRECKED WITH RUSH "Kicker" LIMBAUGH
(sponsored by Eli Lilly)
SEPTEMBER 2 (nomination night)
OPENING PRAYER by ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT, who will then sing "Let the Eagle Soar" and light the ceremonial "TORCH OF FREEDOM(tm) with the (actual) Bill of Rights.
1. TOM RIDGE raises National Alert Level to FIRE ENGINE RED, and ANNOUNCES CAPTURE OF OSAMA BIN LADEN.
2. CONVENTION SHIFTS TO "GROUND ZERO" -- DICK CHENEY will introduce and personally re-nominate PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH, who WILL IMPALE OSAMA BIN LADEN WITH DAVY CROCKETT'S KENTUCKY LONG RIFLE donated by Wayne LaPierre (Sponsored by NRA)
3. PRESIDENT BUSH WILL GIVE ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, standing on Osama's dead body.
FIRST PEEK - Here is the proposed text for President Bush's speech:
"Hey, Freedom-Lovers! 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The Course Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things are great Jesus speaks to me 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay The Course Evil-doers 9-11 Freedom Evil-doers Stay The Course Democracy 9-11 Evil-doers trust my gut 9-11 Democracy Freedom Stay the course Trust my gut Tax cuts Who cares what you think Evil-doers Things are great Jesus speaks to me. G'night everybody!"
POST CEREMONY CLOSING NIGHT PARTY OPPORTUNITIES:
1. "GET MAXED with RUSH 'ROCKET CAP' LIMBAUGH!" (Sponsored by
2. RICK SANTORUM '"OG ON DOG'" PETTING ZOO (adults only, please)
3. BILL O'REILLY SHOWS OFF PULITZER PRIZE, ACADEMY AWARD, AND NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
SPECIAL BUFFET -- JOHN ASHCROFT will PERSONALLY EXORCISE A KINDLE OF CALICO KITTENS, BARBECUE THEM, AND SERVE THEM ON CANAPES (sponsored by KRAFT "Thick N' Spicy BBQ Sauce)
Hey now you're catching on. Some of our "allies" are so scared of the terrorist they will cower down to them to keep them from attacking, oh say like France.
All the other's you listed are home to many different terrorist organizations that they don't try to control or fight. The brains behind Bin Laden are actually an Egyptian that wants to over throw the entire Western life style, not just its governments. He lived in Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and France, Iran and many other Middle East and Western Asian countries. No one tried or tries today to arrest him.
If we send enough of them home to their stinking camel pits and keep killing them where we find them, which by the way is their Golden Rule, we might make some headway. We will never defeat them, hell even the Crusades couldn�t do that, but we can limit their activity and make it hard for them and hard on them.
Well, then I suppose we should have bombed France, Iran, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Lebanon, Pakistan, etc. etc. etc. Oops - some of them may be here in the U.S. I guess we may have to drop a bomb in several places in the U.S.
esey--The problem is that they(the terrorists) are everywhere including Afghanistan,Irag,France(who tries to pander everyone so they won't attack them)and even the United States.They did not just appear over night;they have been squirming out of their little holes for a long long time.The Isralites have shown one thing and that is if you sit back and let them,they will wipe you off the face of the earth,one by one if necessary in the terrorist's eyes.You must take the offense and go after them.If you really think that the terrorists come from only Afghanistan well then I have nothing further to say.Wish you the best..
Think for ur self? well think long term and real hard, cause the only way to fight those that want to kill us to to seek them out, find them and kill them first not hide behind ur momma skirt. They are the enemy and putting them in prisons won`t solve anything..
meanwhile keep talking on the fone I neeed the money to pay my taxes to fight the terroist go Vz to 100
I have a terrible problem - I think for myself.
I also heard Lee Hamilton state that nobody could have predicted this. That showed me what a good job they did. After the first World Trade bombing, there were three more threats of terrorist acts against us in this country. Pres. Bush received a memo that had as its heading "they plan to attack the U.S." How could Hamilton state that nobody could have predicted this? I think they were trying to bend over backwards to show how fair they were,but it was too much.
As far as alerts are concerned, I think that they should keep reminding us that there is a threat and we should be on the alert.
I also heard that people who work for the airlines just have to show a badge and they don't have to go through a metal detector. I don't think that is very smart. People might have a fake badge or one that they paid someone to give them.