(UPI newswire) Servertown, CA. - AMD was savagely attacked this morning by what looked like an Intel "bunny person" and a member of the Blue Man group. Eyewitnesses said a man calling himself "The Clown Prince of Silicon Valley" was walking down the street wearing a clown suit and swinging a Hammer when suddenly the Bunny person and blue man were on him "like a piranha on skinny dipper's nutsack" according to eyewitness huuwe/amdace.
"It was terrible" said Jun Ki Chip, a witness to the assault. "This bunnyperson walked up out of nowhere and bitch slapped AMD! AMD tried to swing its hammer but it was way too slow." Mr. Chip says it only got worse. "Then this blue man bent AMD over and the bunny person savaged AMD from behind. He kept screaming stuff like "How's your PR rating NOW bitch?", "Its hammer time!", "I got your TPI hanging!", "Ill bet you wish you had a bigger heatsink NOW!" and "Will doing you again make me like it more? Yes!" There was more, much more. "You know the reputation bunnies have? Well, this bunny was FAST and he savaged AMD again and again! I lost track of how many times he went at AMD, but I think AMD passed out from the pain and bloodloss or something because after an hour or so the screams stopped." "I dont know what that Bunny was packing," said telecomcompdude, another witness to the melee, "but AMD was split open belly button to bunghole, and that is NOT something you see every day!"
Police said there was nothing illegal about the attack. Police Chief Jerries DeListed said "its pretty stupid to dress like a clown and walk through the good part of Server Town swinging a hammer. What the hell did he expect to happen? I dont care how slow he does it, we cant let some moron swing his hammer and let him get away with it. If you ask me, AMD got what it deserved."
The police stopped the attack after realizing AMD and its hammer were helpless. AMD was allowed to leave only after it agreed to give market share back to the bunnyperson and buy unsold product back from its distributors. As AMD left it could be heard complaining about losing nearly 2.5 billion dollars in the scuffle.
AMD went to court in the United States, claiming that Intel's attack was unfair because it was "clocked faster than AMD." The Judge in a sharply worded opinion said in part "If you spend all your time and energy telling someone your going to swing a Hammer at him, you should not be surprised if he decides preemptively to kick your ass." After AMD was laughed out of court, AMD decided to try again in Europe.
"Somewhere, in some continent, there is a country that will allow us to sue that damn bunny person" AMD said. "Its unfair that we have to compete with slower clock speeds and I demand justice!"
The hospital reported that rumors of AMD being infected with HIV in the attack were false. Hospital spokesman Prescott Yamhill said "for AMD to have caught HIV would have meant the bunny person was infected. As a precaution we tested the Bunny person and the Blue Man, both came up clean. If AMD is sick, they got it somewhere else."
Yet, in spite of what Prescott Yamhill said, AMD does appear to be ill. Nurse Jerry Sanders was quoted as saying "volume is the vaccine" as he injected AMD with a huge syringe filled with returned processors.