An engineer reports to the pearly gates, but is told her name is not on the rolls. So she is forced to go to hell instead.
After a short time in hell, the engineer starts to notice the problems with her new home. Before long, she has installed air conditioning, running water, and flushing toilets. she is very popular.
One day God calls and asks satan, "how are things going in hell?" Satan replies "Pretty good, we have air conditioning, running water, are starting to grow good food, and the place is really shaping up." God asks how this is possible in such a terrible place.
When told it is all because of the engineer, God says "No engineer should be in hell. That was a mistake and she is to be sent to heaven right away."
Satan says "No way, we like her and won't give her up." God then says "If you don't send her here right away, I will have you sued."
Sneering, Satan retorts "Yeh! Right!! And where are YOU going to find a lawyer!!?"
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man > was enjoying the > scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered > dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been > dead for years. He > wondered where the road was leading them. > > After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall > along one side of the > road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a > long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When > hewas standing before it > he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked > like Mother of Pearl, and > the street that led to the gate looked like pure > gold. > He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got > closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he > called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" > > "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. > "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man ask > "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some > ice water brought right > up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. > > "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, > too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." > > The man thought a moment and then turned back toward > the road and continued > the way he had been going with his dog. After > another long walk, and at the top of another long > hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a > farm gate that looked as > if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, > he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and > reading a book. > > "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" > "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man > pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on > in." > "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to > the dog. > "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went > through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump > with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink > himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog > walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. > "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. > > "This is Heaven," was the answer. > > "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said > that was Heaven, too." > "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and > pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell." > > "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name > like that? > "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're > just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friend > behind." > Soooo... Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us > without writing a word, maybe this could explain: > When you are very busy, but still want to keep in > touch, guess what you do? > You forward jokes. > > When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep > contact, you forward > jokes. > When you have something to say, but don't know what, > and don't know how, you forward jokes. And to let you know that you are > still remembered, you are still important,you are still loved, you are still > cared for, guess > what you get? A forwarded joke. > So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't > think that you've been > sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've > been thought of today and > your friend on the other
WARNING: Please do not read if you are upset by bad language!
Truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a > > > little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to > > > believe in the goodness of people and believe there is hope for the > human > > race. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a > > > construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty > lot. > > > The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in > all > > > the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. > > > > > > She hung around and eventually the construction crew, > > > gems-in-the-rough all of them, more or less adopted her as a kind of > > > project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while > they > > > had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and > there > > > to make her feel important. > > > > > > At the end of the first week they even presented her with a > > > pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to > her > > > mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested > > > that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next > day > to > > > start a savings account. > > > > > > When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed > > > with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very > > > own pay check at such a young age. > > > > > > The little girl proudly replied, "I've been > > > working with a crew building a house all week." > > > > > > "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be > > > working on the house again this week too?" > > > > > > She replied "I will if those useless sons of bitches at the > > > lumber yard ever bring us any drywall that's worth a shit." > > >
And, for those who tell me they delete my jokes without reading them, I tell them I delete their pics of their grandchildren without looking at them (I don't do that, but it seems to drive home the point in your message).