“If you want to have good ideas you must have many ideas. Most of them will be wrong, and what you have to learn is which ones to throw away.” – Linus Pauling
“As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it.” – Albert Einstein
"Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail." - Jay Leno
“Just because you're miserable doesn't mean you can't enjoy your life.” – Annette Goodheart
“Incomprehensible jargon is the hallmark of a profession.” – Kingman Brewster, Jr.
"The Pope is resigning. I just hope it's not steroids…Apparently it's an old football injury from throwing all those Hail Marys…He said that at age 85 he cannot physically go on. Meanwhile, Hugh Hefner is going to be 87 and he just married a 26-year-old. So much for that celibate lifestyle!" - Jay Leno
“There is no way I was buying my wife a freakin’ gun, because, let's be honest, there is no way I wasn't getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sorta’ like me saying ‘Y'know, I kinda wanna kill myself...but I want it to be a surprise’.” – Marc Maron
“Operationally, God is beginning to resemble not a ruler but the last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat.” – Julian Huxley
"The White House is warning North Korea that it will face significant consequences if it moves forward with a new round of nuclear tests. Not only that — it's also warning South Korea that it will face serious consequences if Psy makes another ad for pistachios." - Jimmy Fallon
“Although I cannot lay an egg, I am a very good judge of omelettes” – George Bernard Shaw
When Bill and Hillary Clinton first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary,
curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans
and $81,874.25 in cash.
She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly
curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry,
Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that
bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and
redeemed them for cash."