Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what
do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
WOMEN CAN BE SO INSENSITIVE
> Dave returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
> > doctor
> > has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
> > Given this prognosis, Dave asks his wife for sex
> > Naturally,
> > she agrees, and they make love.
> > About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and
> > says,
> > 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
> > Could we please do it
> > one more time?'
> > Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
> > Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and
> > realizes he now has only 8 hours left.
> > He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, & lt; BR>> > please... just
> > one more time before I die ?' she says,
> > 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the
> > third time.
> > After this session, the wife rolls over & falls
> > asleep. Dave,
> > however, worried about his impending death, tosses &
> > turns until he's
> > down to 4 more hours.
> > He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4
> > more hours.
> > Do you think we could....?'
> > At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen
> > Dave, I
> > have to get up in the
> > morning............................... you don't.
> One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
> "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
> would take a few inches off of your butt!!"
> His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
> comment go unrewarded.
> The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
> "What the Hell is this??", he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud
> appeared when he shook them out.
> "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder
> in my underwear?"
> She replied with a snicker:.... "It's not talcum powder....... It's
> 'Miracle Grow'"
Italian man, a Jewish man and a Polish man were all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Italian says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a pack of cigarettes. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she smoked."
The Jewish man says, "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she drank."
Then the Polish man speaks up. "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis!"
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day;
He comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and
Asks the seller How he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike
Is outside and it's Going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
Parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have
To tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who! Says
Anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
Stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,
In the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a
Word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches
Over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands
Up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws
Her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
Her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the
Mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which
Way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious
And her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
The father?shouts, 'All right, I'll do the f ***ing dishes!'