"As you may have heard, residents in most of these United States have used the "We The People" online petition tool -- previously best known as the primary method that weed enthusiasts used to communicate with high-ranking members of the White House staff -- to file requests to secede from country in the wake of the presidential election, because apparently not everybody got what they wanted out of America's traditional participatory democracy.
"Didn't we try that once before?" asked South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley. Indeed, yes, it was tried before, by South Carolina in December of 1860. Since that date, states opting for secession have a 100% failure rate in splitting from the Union, and that dismal record was amassed long before the United States had a fleet of aerial drone weapons that could be piloted by remote control.
Other governors, perhaps sensing the overall "non-starter-ness" of seceding from the United States, have also publicly declined to support these secession petitions. "I don’t think that’s a valid option for Tennessee," said Tennesee Gov. Bill Haslam. Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley released a long statement through a spokeswoman in which he reiterated his belief in "one nation under God" and that "states can be great laboratories of change."
Texas Gov. Rick Perry also threw a wet blanket on the secession petition plan, saying that he "believes in the greatness of our Union and nothing should be done to change it." If you cannot impress Rick Perry with your secession plan, then you won't impress too many people. The best response, in fact, to these secession petitions, is a petition that asks President Barack Obama to do the "Hokey-Pokey."
There is, of course, no reason to take these secession petitions at all seriously. There is probably a fourteen-syllable German word that precisely captures the combination of juvenile whining, sour grapes and goofy anti-government fervor that drove an infinitesimal number of Americans to submit and support these petitions, but the word that the kids in America use to describe this is "butthurt."