5.4-Star Crash Rating? How Tesla Makes You Better After A Crash

Bold Ride

Tesla’s engaged in another media kerfuffle after it announced that it had achieved a 5.4 rating in NHTSA’s crash tests. That’s really impressive when you consider that the rating only goes up to a maximum of five stars. By achieving the maximum NHTSA crash rating PLUS .4 stars (!), it’s clear that Tesla is engaged in a program that makes you better AFTER you crash than before it.

“The agency’s 5-Star Safety Ratings program is designed to provide consumers with information about the crash protection,” NHTSA said in a statement. “NHTSA does not rate vehicles beyond 5 stars and does not rank or order vehicles within the star ratings.”

Hogwash! It’s right there in Tesla’s press release!

“NHTSA does not publish a star rating above 5, however safety levels better than 5 stars are captured in the overall Vehicle Safety Score (VSS) provided to manufacturers, where the Model S achieved a new combined record of 5.4 stars.”

So how does Tesla actually improve your life with its 5.4-Star NHTSA crash rating? It’s really pretty impressive:

Dietary Consultation

View gallery


By the time you arrive back at home after your collision, dietary consultants have already assessed your kitchen, based on the extensive Telsa ownership agreement you signed at purchase. “We’re tasked with removing any GMO foodstuffs, partially hydrogenated oils, peanuts and/or gluten,” says Butterfly Seashawna, Tesla Nutrition Consultant and certified Lactation Specialist.

Dr. Oz 48-Hour Cleanse

View gallery


The two days after a crash are the most critical to good health. Following a Tesla collision, you’re on Dr. Oz’s 48-Hour Cleanse, a detoxification program that leaves you clean as a whistle from stem to stern.

Post-Crash Workout Program

Tony Little

Immediately following a crash in a Tesla Model S, a team of personal fitness consultants rappel through your skylight and instantly start you on a whole-body, core-busting workout regime. At the end of the six week program, you’re guaranteed to be in at least 11 percent better physical condition than before the crash.

Spa Treatment by Elon Musk

View gallery

Spa Treatment

When you experience a collision in a Tesla, Elon Musk actually flies to your home to deliver you a spa experience beyond compare. Musk arrives with his own compact disc, loaded with a solid hour of Enya, and offers a personal massage, complete with eucalyptus scented oils and hot stones.

Upgrade to Nigel Tufnel-Branded Audio System

View gallery

Nigel Tufnel

A collision is difficult to overcome psychologically, so while it repairs your Tesla Model S in its bespoke repair facility, it upgrades your standard Tesla audio system to its exclusive Nigel Tufnel Audio System, featuring knobs that all go to 11.

Tesla: It’s one louder.

(Ed. Note: Obviously, this is a joke. Lighten up. We love Tesla.)

View Comments (4)