The holidays are here and thankfully, so is Gwyneth Paltrow’s annual Goop Holiday Gift Guide to reassure us that a global pandemic cannot interfere with the spirit of self-indulgent, wealth-affirming gifting. After all, don’t we deserve to pamper ourselves more than ever this year?
The Goop shopping guide has risen to the challenge of addressing our needs in this moment, with plenty to keep us entertained and comfortable at home, living our best bubbled lives. (Don’t you think it’s time you added that outdoor infrared sauna to your garden?)
Last updated: Dec. 7, 2020
Mason's Planets Sidewalk Chalk: $43
These little orbs of sidewalk chalk are layered with different colors to correspond to the layers of the planets, with inner cores, outer cores and crusts, and are textured to give them an extra dash of celestial realism. Cute? Yes. Beautiful? Definitely. And they will be scraped into oblivion by little hands to be all washed away by the next rain.
Note and Sunshine Self-Love Deck: $45
This deck of self-affirmation cards features encouraging messages such as “I listen to my body” and “I trust in the process of my journey.” While we don’t mean to diminish the value of the pleasing hand illustrations or the vegetable inks with which they are printed, we would like to humbly suggest that instead you might Google “daily self-affirmations,” click “print” and donate the $45 to your favorite charity.
Lordship Title Pack: $50
The purchase of 1 square foot of land on a private estate in Scotland bestows the giftee with an official lord or lady title. While it may carry a whiff of pretension, we also have to admit it’s a little bit awesome that $50 is all it takes to legitimately add such a title to one’s name, in accordance with traditional Scottish landowner’s custom. Add to that the bonus that this symbolic purchase plants a tree and supports land conservation, we’re putting this in the “so crazy it might just work” bucket.
Maison Ogé Original Centered Pocket T-Shirt: $92
Made from double-knit organic cotton, this T-shirt’s perfection, according to its description, “is absolute.” It is so perfect that designer Maison Ogé has applied to patent it. The sleeves are pre-rolled, so you don’t have to do a less-than-perfect job rolling them yourself.
If we quit our day jobs and move all of our pockets over 3 inches, will you pay us $92 for a white t-shirt, too?
Pampshade Batard Bread Lamp: $210
There are a good number of attributes of this gift that are not ridiculous: Bread is a worthy obsession. Never has the baking of bread enjoyed a zeitgeist moment such as the one brought on by the pandemic. We take no issue whatsoever with bread’s ability to provide comfort, nor the satisfaction of a light that “radiates a warm, comforting glow.” It’s comfort radiating comfort, really. But the fact remains that this is an actual baked loaf of batard bread coated in resin and fitted with an LED light, and that is a hard purchase to justify.
Cuzen Matcha Maker Starter Kit: $370
If you have someone on your list who really, really takes their cup of matcha green tea seriously, look no further than the Matcha Maker Starter Kit. This mesmerizing contraption grinds your organic matcha leaves fresh right before you brew, and you can use cold water to preserve their umami flavor. Its design is so clean and minimal, it’s hard to believe there’s a leaf hopper, ceramic mill and magnetic whisk all working in harmony to deliver the ultimate cup of matcha in your own kitchen.
Fable Dog Crate: $395
This sleek dog crate solves the problem of pet enclosures that hurt your eyes. Made from blonde wood with gently curved corners and pleasant-to-observe breathing holes, it also has a pretty nifty clear acrylic gate (you can’t hate looking at what you can’t see!). When it’s not shut, it flips up to a discreet interior hiding spot. The cushion your pup will enjoy looks soft, white and very comfortable.
Edie Parker Ouija Board: $1,995
There’s no reason conjuring can’t be fancy. You can upgrade that plain old cardboard ouija board to a hand-poured, glitter-bombed acrylic version by vintage-inspired designer Brett Heyman, the creative force behind the Edie Parker brand. If you’re looking to summon some well-heeled specters who will be impressed by the amount of cash you dropped to help them cross the bridge from the beyond, this is probably the way to go.
Aerin Shagreen Poker Set: $2,500
You know you’re a high roller when this ultra-handsome poker set from luxury houseware designer Aerin shows up under the tree. Encased in a brass hardware box with wood veneer and suede lining, it comes with two sets of cards, chips in six colors and a dealer button. Let’s just hope your hand looks as good as your gear.
Zelectric Retrofitted Electric VW Bug: From $125,000
An impeccably restored VW Beetle is already perfectly capable of triggering saliva glands on its own. Imagine that within that body of shiny vintage glory is a Tesla battery offering up to 180 miles of electric-powered range and triple the horsepower of its original engine. Your badge of retro automotive coolness has suddenly also made you a visionary of the future. Obviously, we want one.
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This article originally appeared on GOBankingRates.com: 10 Most Outrageous Things for Sale in the Goop Catalog