8 Ideal Locations for Having a Tough Convo With Your Partner (and 3 Places You Should Avoid)
Listen, a spare umbrella and Aerie bra (hey, you never know!) aren’t the only things that belong in your car. The tough, intimate, and sometimes anxiety-inducing conversations that happen with your partner or situationship bae should be happening in your car, too. Whether you need to DTR, confess something, brace yourself for a breakup, or bring up your partner’s obsession with liking their ex's Instagram pics, sitting side-by-side while driving is one of the best places to get real with each other, according to relationship experts.
Why? Well, not only is it a private space, but it also alleviates the anxiety of staring into your partner’s eyes as you're saying what you have to say. (Eyes on the road, people!) Plus, "there's something about driving around aimlessly that allows conversation to flow," explains Adina Mahalli, certified relationship therapist and mental health consultant."The act of physically moving forward has a subconscious effect on the conversation."
That said, for the same reasons getting real together in the car can be le best, "it can also make people feel trapped," says sex therapist Cyndi Darnell. "Tough conversations can lead to anxiety while driving," which automatically makes me think of Big Little Lies and Renata and Gordon's EPIC fights in the car. "The NANNY??!?!?!"
So, if you're not into the idea of potentially breaking up with someone while they have control over a large vehicle, here are some other ideal spots where you two can have those tough conversations—whatever the topic may be.
1. In a park
Best for DTRing and discussing future plans
You're secluded enough where you can say what you want and have a real, honest convo, but you're also public enough that raising your voices will cause a scene (hoping that's something you don't like to do, unless totally warranted). "Being in nature can relax you," says clinical psychologist Catalina Lawsin, PhD. And you can always play with the grass or stare up into the clouds as you try to get your thoughts together.
2. On the sidewalk after taking a workout class
Best for DTRing and discussing something that upset you
Well, duh: Working out = endorphins = happier vibes. "Exercise can help burn off any repressed feelings you've had about your relationship, so when you’re feeling more relaxed, this is a great time to talk," says Lawsin. Grab a juice together or go on a walk post-class to stretch out. Then, address the sitch.
3. On your (or their) front porch or patio
Best for breakups, admitting infidelity, and discussing something that upset you
If you or your partner have one, a front porch or patio is cozy, intimate, and likely familiar to both of you—which is a great thing. "Some people may find intense conversations anxiety-provoking or intimidating," says Charese L. Josie, owner and founder of CJ Counseling and Consulting Services. "So providing a safe, calm environment can provide a distraction that will not take away from the context of the discussion."
4. At your therapist's office
Best for discussing something that upset you, future plans, and sex issues
Couples therapy isn't as scary as it sounds, and it can actually really help having a professional help mediate your discussions. "Therapy provides a safe place to be heard and to learn how to express yourself in a constructive way that enhances your relationship," says Josie. Especially when it comes to addressing built up anger, frustration, or resentment, having some reinforcements can help you express those feelings.
5. In your bedroom over the phone
Best for discussing something that upset you
Okay, don't pull a Joe Jonas and breakup with your mega star girlfriend over text (or she'll out you on her next album). Instead, try physically calling the person on the phone. "You're more likely to be honest, because it's slightly easier to muster up the courage when the other person can't see your face," says Michelle Baxo, owner and founder of Power Love Programs. "You're also more likely to listen and be heard more accurately since neither of your are distracted by each other's body language or facial expressions."
6. Outside while on a walk
Best for DTRing and discussing future plans
Walking is great for the soul. It's not only great for dates, but it's also an efficient place to have those elephant-in-the-room convos. "Walking is very good for the mind and helps keep you focused and clear so you don't veer off track," says Baxo. "You're also not facing each other, so you can focus on what there is to say rather than analyzing the
other persons reaction."
7. In a coffee shop
Best for discussing the future
"There's almost always a quiet corner, and everyone else is so engrossed in their laptop or conversation, almost no one will pay attention to yours," says Kayla Lords, sexpert for JackandJillAdult.com. Plus, "the public nature of the conversation usually prevents loud outbursts." And think about it: You have a potential out at all times—the coffee is paid for prior to sitting down, so there's nothing keeping you at the table if things get far too.
8. In your living room on the couch
Best for breakups and admitting infidelity
Not all ~serious~ convos have to leave you both in mascara tears. Get comfortable somewhere that is… literally comfy.
"Most of us have comfort connotations with our couches, and this helps setup the conversation in the right direction," says Steven Reigns, licensed marriage and family therapist. "A couch can allow each person freedom to move closer or further away, while still feeling of connection."
Oh, and real quick: Here are some locations to definitely avoid broaching any serious, tough talks:
Your bedroom and/or bed. These topics are not the kinds of things you should be discussing during pillow talk. Many experts say your bed should be a sacred space where you two only sleep and have sex. Save the major drama for outside the covers.
A restaurant. There's no easy out—unless you feel like flipping tables tonight.
A bar. That vodka soda can make you say and think things that you don't actually agree with or want to say.
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