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'The Bachelor' Episode 4 recap: Urine for a shock, Arie

Kristen Baldwin
Editor-in-Chief, Yahoo Entertainment

Warning: This recap of The Bachelor Episode 4 contains spoilers. 

You know how it goes, rose lovers. Week 1, everyone’s giddy and focused on getting through the all-night cocktail party without passing out from exhaustion and/or excessive Chardonnay consumption. Week 2, the “ladies” are still, like, totally psyched to be on TV even if it means doing awkward group activities like driving dirty cars into each other at full speed. Week 3, the potential wives finally start noticing the other potential wives around them — and by the time Week 4 rolls around, the women are in full-on “evaluating/tearing down the competition” mode.

Which brings us to Bekah.

GIF: ABC

Who is this pixie-haired minx, and could the Bachelor truly be considering her as a potential wife? These are the questions the women ponder over their coffee. “Does he know how young she is?” wonders Caroline, noting that Bekah and Arie have a 14-year age gap. Not that Bachelor is aware, of course. “If she holds out any longer telling him,” says Chelsea, “maybe that might not go over well.”

Now that we know this week’s A story, it’s time for Mr. Harrison to give the girls their marching orders. “It’s time for you to leave this place,” says our host. “You’re going to meet Arie… in South Lake Tahoe!” It may not be that exotic, “ladies,” but look — bears!

Photo: ABC

With Arie safely ensconced in the Hard Rock Hotel and the women squared away in their luxuriously rustic cabin, it’s time to get the dates going. Seinne gets the first one-on-one — and she’s smart enough to realize that might not be a good thing. “I’m so excited but I’m so nervous,” she admits. “After Lauren went home on a one-on-one, it feels like a lot of pressure.” Don’t worry, girl — just don’t talk like a sorority girl on a crank bender, you’ll be fine.

The first part of the date doesn’t require much talking at all, actually.

Photo: ABC

“Parasailing is about letting go and seeing where the wind takes you,” Seinne informs us. “I think being open to this relationship is kind of similar to that.” Sure?

Post-parasailing, Arie and Seinne sit by the lake, drinking champagne and making small talk. The Bachelor tells Seinne that he’s wanted to take her on a date since night one, because she’s “very educated,” “traveled,” and a “damn good kisser.” You know what that means:

Photo: ABC

Back at the cabin, poor Maquel gets a call from home, and the news isn’t good.

Photo: ABC

Understandably, Maquel decides to head home to be with her family… though maybe not for good. “I think she needs to come back,” says Marikh. “I think Arie will be really understanding and compassionate.”

At dinner, Seinne is cautiously optimistic about her relationship — though, she adds, “I’m a black female, and they don’t tell a lot of stories about girls like me having the fairytale ending.” It may sound like a minor point, but clearly this — and watching her parents struggle with their marriage — has colored Seinne’s view on what type of relationship she thinks she deserves. The good news is, she’s aware of her baggage, as it were, and she frankly lays it all out on the table for Arie.

“I felt like I knew you from just like the first few seconds of talking to you,” replies the Bachelor. “I’m feeling that this could be the start of something amazing, and this could be our love story.” Well played, sir. Give that Yale grad the rose! Oh, and then make her dance at a concert in front of a bunch of cellphone-wielding strangers. Naturally.

Photo: ABC

The next day, Chelsea, Krystal, Becca, Marikh, Ashley, Jacqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Lauren, Brittany, and Caroline venture into the great outdoors to meet Arie for a romantic hike in the mountains. Waiting for them in the woods is retired Green Beret Combat Commander Mykel Hawke and his wife, who are there to teach Arie and his harem some survival skills.

Photo: ABC

Congrats, Team Bachelor — you finally found a group date activity worse than bikini skiing and zombie paintball. After sending the women off into the woods to fill up their “pee canisters,” Mykel tells the Bachelor to “lead by example.”

Photo: ABC

While the women shriek and gag, Jacqueline decides to woman up and take a shot of her own urine. Fortunately, Arie shouts, “Wait, wait, wait!” before she can bring the canister to her lips. “It was just apple juice!” Jacqueline is not amused.

Photo: ABC

While the pee exercise was a trick, the next survival lesson involves eating real worms from the fresh mountain dirt. “I’ve eaten bugs before,” says Kendall with a shrug. “It’s time to show Arie what I’m made of.” She and the Bachelor both gobble down a worm and a maggot (“It pops in your mouth!” marvels Kendall)… and then they sneak off into the woods to make out.

Photo: ABC

There is not enough Listerine on this planet, to be honest.

The final challenge has the women dividing into teams and using a map and a compass to find their way to a “special location.” It saddens me to report that the only team that doesn’t get lost is the one with Arie on it — because there’s nothing this show does better than reinforce stereotypes about women. “I wouldn’t call us the Dream Team at this point,” deadpans Becca. Eventually, though, everyone makes their way to “the oasis” for a quick soak in the outdoor hot tub before cocktail hour. Things we learned during the cocktail party:

*Arie is looking for a woman with a “flexible schedule.” (h/t Lauren)

*Kendall has a taxidermied duckling named Ping. (And Arie LOVES it: “She’s quirky and extremely sexy at the same time.”)

*It took Krystal four weeks to realize that she’s on The Bachelor. “I felt challenged being in such a large group date,” she grouses. “He’s one person, and we’re 12.”

Mmmmmmkay. As the women roll their eyes and mock Krystal’s breathy baby voice in their confessionals, Krystal sits down with Arie to complain about how hard it is to share him with other women. “It just weighs on me,” she pouts. “I feel a little ostracized. … I think that people feel a little threatened.”

Photo: ABC

Yeeaaaah. And when Krystal tries to air her grievances with Raven 2 (aka Tia) and Caroline, she gets about the response you’d expect.

Photo: ABC

“You’re not even aware of how you make everyone else feel,” snaps Raven 2. She’s still all worked up when it’s her turn to sit down and chat with Arie. “I feel this comfort with you, and it scares me that you feel it with other people,” says Tia, her voice tight with tears.

So whose display of vulnerability will earn her the coveted date rose? Survey says…

Photo: ABC

Krystal, like, totally can’t even with this development. “I honestly feel like a lot of the girls here just, like, don’t operate at my level,” she huffs. The next morning, she’s still grouchy about the other women and the fact that they have the audacity to exist in her presence. “I come across as flawless, and then have a target put on my back,” she explains helpfully. “I feel a little misunderstood.”

Let’s put a pin in Krystal’s narcissism and head outside for Arie’s one-on-one with Bekah. Will today be the day he learns that when he was a 14-year-old, Bekah was an infant who couldn’t yet hold up her own head? Let’s find out.

She doesn’t tell him during their scenic horseback ride around the lake, nor does Bekah break the news during their romantic soak in another outdoor hot tub.

Photo: ABC

They do, however, talk about Arie’s racing accident in a truck named “Black Widow” — it ended with him breaking his collarbone and passing out. Yikes.

She’s gotta tell him at dinner, right? (Well, obviously — they’ve been teasing it in the “coming up” previews all night.) “I want us to be transparent with each other,” Bekah tells him. Great! Because the Bachelor has a lot of questions. Specifically, “Are you ready, would you be ready [to get married] if the time were right?”

Her elliptical answer — “I don’t think I’ve ever been in the right time or with the right person. How can you know that if you haven’t been there before?” — doesn’t cut it, so Arie tries again. Now that he’s 36, he explains, his life has “slowed down” a lot, and he likes things like getting up early and wearing cardigans. “I’m in a different place than I was in my late 20s. So my fear with you is that you might be where I was in my 20s.”

Dude, you have no idea. And you’re about to find out. “Do you know how old I am?” Bekah wonders aloud, as if she doesn’t already know the answer. And when she drops the bomb, telling Arie she’s just 22, his reaction is appropriate.

GIF: ABC

“You’re sooooo young!” he groans. Bekah’s all, Yeah, but my sister got married at 19, and my brother got married at 21 so I come from a long line of child spouses! Our Bachelor doesn’t really look like he’s buying it, but he also isn’t quite ready to give this sexy “lady” up — especially when she gives him that “pretty please with sugar on top” look.

Photo: ABC

“I’m not here for a 22-year-old girlfriend,” Arie tells us. “I’m here to find a wife… I don’t know what to do.” Yes you do, pal. Get on with it.

Photo: ABC

Potential wives, assemble! It is time for the cocktail party. But when the women gather in the mountaintop villa to meet Arie, they’re greeted by this guy instead.

Photo: ABC

No cocktail party tonight, “ladies”! You’ll get nothing but a rose ceremony — and you’ll like it. Krystal is nearly beside herself with panic, because, as Lauren puts it, “she’s starting to see that maybe she isn’t the only girl that he’s interested in.” Indeed, the seemingly interminable pause before Arie calls out the first name is too much for Krystal to bear, and she has to break the fourth rose ceremony wall.

Photo: ABC

She wants “a quick moment” of Arie’s time, and what else can he say but yes? Settle in, “ladies,” this might take a while.

Photo: ABC

So what was so urgent, Krystal? Ohhhh, you needed to remind Arie that you feel “such a connection” with him and that you’re “not here to play games.” Good call — I’m sure he didn’t catch that the first 4,371 times you mentioned it.

Aaaand we’re back. Joining Bekah, Seinne and Raven 2 in the winners’ circle is: Lauren, Kendall, Ashley, Becca K., Chelsea, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh, and… [silent scream] Krystal. Welp, Brittany and Caroline, it’s been real. And extra props to you, Caroline, for taking off your heels the second you realized you were going home.

Photo: ABC

Life is too short to wear uncomfortable shoes, people.

Now it’s your turn, rose lovers. Are you surprised Krystal is still around? Are you even more surprised that baby Bekah is still around? And is “glam-shaming” really a thing? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog right here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to silkscreen “I am, and have always been, pro-glam” on T-shirts for Etsy.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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