I Charge People $5 If They Don't Use A Coaster In My House
Yes, my coasters are very pretty, thank you for noticing! Now, put your f*cking drinks on them.
Nothing is more infuriating than watching a guest place their drink next to your pile of coasters instead of on one. It surely is not that difficult, and yet the coffee and wine glass ring marks on my table say otherwise. Which is why I have implemented this rule: If you don't use a coaster when you're over, I'll Venmo request you $5.
I promise you that I'm not a pompous asshole, I really am not. But coasters have a legitimate purpose, y'all. They save my surfaces from scratches and stains, which is why I am begging you to to take all of two seconds to grab one and place your drink on it. And if you can't do that, then I can't not charge you $5. Consider it insurance for the damage you're costing my table. And heart.
Listen, I get that some coasters look more like art than something to hold you drink-some are even so fancy that they look more expensive than the table it's sitting on. But it's for a damn good reason, not because I have extra money that I am just dying to blow on your drink holder. I'm buying these because 1.) why not have pretty coasters? 2.) if they look good maybe you'll feel so inclined to use them. 3.) I don't want my damn table getting ruined. Plus, I swear drinking wine from a glass placed on a cute coaster tastes better.
You're either rolling your eyes or cheering in agreement right now. If it's the latter, I recommend that you also implement the $5 coaster rule. And if you're rolling your eyes, hear a girl out. Using a coaster should be no different than taking your shoes off before walking in someones home-it's respectful and helps in the long run.
I don't actually want your money. So please, just use a damn coaster.
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