The end of days? Batgirl, resurrected pigs and vegan Cracker Barrel menu items say 'yes'
Batgirl defeated, pigs rising from the dead, Cracker Barrel goes vegan. These are truly the end of days.
When my dad voiced fear and confusion over frivolous sitcoms, barcode technology (which he considered to be the biblical Sign of the Beast) and aerodynamic automobile windshields (long story, not worth it), I vowed a million times over that I was not going to be like him, that as I aged I would embrace new and foreign concepts with grace and understanding.
But what am I supposed to do? “Batgirl” the movie was deep-sixed after Warner Bros. decided it was more valuable as a tax write-off than as a cinematic production. OK, I’ll spot you that one, but couldn’t they have adopted this strategy earlier, like before they forced “Ulee’s Gold” down our throats?
And how do the actors feel after they’ve poured their heart and soul into their art? This is like your parents telling you not to go to college because you have more societal value as a dependent.
Next up I saw a news item about how scientists brought a dead pig back to life. Really guys? Tell me, just how well did you think this one through?
News outlets were backpedaling on their second-day stories, trying to clean up any misunderstanding that overzealous headline writers might have caused about the process. It wasn’t as if scientists rolled away the stone from a pig-tomb and out walked Arnold Ziffel. It had more to do with “reviving cellular function” than creating a nation of zombie swine — a population that we seriously don’t need.
But these protestations sounded a little funny to me: “Oh no, no, you’ve got it all wrong, this isn’t about bringing the dead back to life, this is about organ transplants … (covers mic) dammit Edna, I told you, I don’t have any more swill. See if they’ll eat Taco Bell.”
In fact, the initial stories talked about how the pig had been anesthetized so it would not be capable of feeling any pain. That sounds like a live pig to me. I don’t care what they say about organ transplants, you don’t go around anesthetizing a kidney.
And in this age of Jewish Space Lasers, how long is it going to be until we hear that all manner of farm animals were rising from the dead and voting for Joe Biden? Worse, how can we ever look at the breakfast bar the same way again. “Honey, did that sausage just move?”
CNN explained it this way: “Researchers at Yale University say they have been able to restore blood circulation and other cellular functions in pigs a full hour after the animals' deaths, suggesting that cells don't die as quickly as scientists had assumed. The researchers used a system they developed called OrganEx which enables oxygen to be recirculated throughout a dead pig's body, preserving cells and some organs after a cardiac arrest.”
OrganEx? They already have a brand name for it? Oh no. It won’t be long until the pharmaceutical marketers get a hold of that one. In the first shot, Gramps is face down in his meatloaf, and in the next he’s laughing and pushing children in a swing as the voiceover warns, “OrganEx may cause side effects including headache, nausea and disappointment among life insurance beneficiaries. Do not take OrganEx if you’re allergic to OrganEx.”
And be honest, don’t you think it’s nine miles too wide a coincidence that Cracker Barrel, at the same time, announced a plant-based sausage substitute?
I can’t imagine that there was any customer demand for this. Who ever walked into a Cracker Barrel looking for healthy food choices? Yes ma’am, I’ll have the biscuits, but instead of sausage gravy, could you smother them in an organic kale smoothie?
Come on, stay in your lane, Cracker Barrel. And don’t listen to what those pork chops are telling you.
Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.
This article originally appeared on The Herald-Mail: Batgirl nixed? Pigs resurrected? Cracker Barrel goes vegan? The horror
