Even though the Summer and Winter Olympics both span the same length of time, 17 days, it seems like the Winter Games aren’t as consistently revving up the engines of excitement as much as its fair-weather counterpart. Maybe that’s due to the fact that I feel like I’ve watched 900 hours of curling and ski jumping, and that’s not a shot at curling or ski jumping by any means. I love both, but I’ve literally watched it every day for two weeks.
Seriously, way back on February 8, the very first event I watched was curling. A staggering 16 days later and I’m STILL watching curling. Normally I don’t do ANYTHING for 16 straight days except breathe. But finally Team USA won gold, so it’s totally worth 16 days of coverage.
In that same amount of time, Red Gerard won a gold medal, flew home to Colorado, then to Los Angeles and New York for a press tour of late-night TV and back to PyeongChang. I think the Winter Games schedule feels off or maybe just more confusing because there’s less events than the Summer Games (15 to 43, relatively). In addition, so many of the events are stretched out over way too many days in order for (I guess) TV revenue.
So here’s my suggestion, add more winter sports to the Olympics. But make sure to add the PG-13 type events, no one needs anymore jumping that consists of 57 athletes soaring through the air like a flying squirrel for five rounds of jumps with three rounds within each round.
Events that should be added to the Winter Olympics:
Snowball Fights – Two teams battle it out with dodgeball rules. You’re allowed to build trenches and structures to hide and block incoming snow-grenades. Dye the snow on each side of the playing field in the primary color of the corresponding team, like a snowcone. So when Team USA nails a German in the face, it’s with blue snow.
Sled Jumping – Two ways to do this effectively, either a) use big inner tubes, go flying down a hill over a 10-foot jump, award points for style, tricks, landing and amount of bones NOT broken. Or, b) use a skeleton sled base, go barreling down the ice and hit a jump at 80 mph. Points awarded based on distance of flight and being able to stay on the sled in mid air.
Drag Race Bobsledding – Widen a stretch of luge track, set two bobsleds next to each other. Have a countdown from five with the starting lights exactly like a drag race. Bracket style tournament, single elimination. This could also be done with Skeleton or Luge.
Ice Climbing – Build an ice wall, climbers are judged on speed and artistic interpretation. First one to the top earns the most points, but I wanna see some showmanship on the way. I’m thinking Spider-Man meets Cliffhanger.
Snow Volleyball – Seriously, why not? Seems to be a thing already, give it a shot. While we’re at it, how about Snow Boxing too? Outdoor boxing, in a snow-ring, competitors have to wear the same outfit that Johnny Weir is wearing that particular day.
Snow Boxing – See above.
Snow Ski-Figure Skating – Similar to ski ballet, which is an actual Olympic event last in the Olympics in 2000. This would basically be figure skating on snow with skis the size of the ski boot.
Extreme Sledding – Toboggan racing on a downhill alpine ski course. Just go man, just go.
Ice-Boarding – A snowboarder traversing the luge track. Points for tricks and time to finish. Just make sure to watch those hairpin turns.
Try to tell me you wouldn’t tune in for those events, they’re all Olympic gold. We can make it happen in 2022, let’s start a petition.
More Olympic coverage from Yahoo Sports:
• Wetzel: Canadian hockey apologizes for taking off silver medal. She didn’t need to.
• Casino outside Olympic site is meant for everyone but the South Korean people
• Russian bobsledder who wore anti-doping shirt just failed a doping test
• International movement to save dogs from South Korean meat farms gaining steam
• The shame in Shani Davis snubbing the media was that he didn’t get to tell his incredible story