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[6 AM]— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 15, 2020
Child [coming out of bedroom]: Do you think Lightning McQueen has car insurance or life insurance?
Me [rubbing temples]: it is way too early for this
It’s amazing humans can learn something new everyday. For example, every Tuesday my husband learns our son has soccer practice at 6.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 14, 2020
75% of parenting in the winter is convincing your kids not to wear shorts— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 15, 2020
I'm no parenting expert, but I know that when you buy your child a kit that says "make your own," it's not your child who will be making their own. It's you.— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 12, 2020
There is a child.— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) January 16, 2020
In my house.
With a fucking whistle.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) January 15, 2020
Me: It's great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I'm sure it's just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
It’s funny how much energy my children have until I tell them it’s time to take a bath.— Crockett™️ (@CrockettForReal) January 15, 2020
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically transform into a Staples last night.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 16, 2020
Wife: want to have sex?— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 15, 2020
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
If I ever get kidnapped and taken to an undisclosed location, I'm sure my five year old will find me whenever they let me use the bathroom.— dadpression (@Dadpression) January 12, 2020
Therapist: and what do we do when we feel like this— MumInBits (@MumInBits) January 14, 2020
T: good and what do we observe when we meditate
Me: one child karate kicking my stomach, one child singing baby shark in my ear and one child coughing into my in-breath
T: *pours me glass of wine*
My daughter thinks if she calls them joggers instead of sweatpants it makes them worth $75.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 15, 2020
My 8yo woke up this morning and said “Artichokes are rude!”, and honestly he is probably right.— Katie Didn't (@Pork_Chop_Hair) January 16, 2020
The Tooth Fairy brought my son $10 in Kohl's cash. He has to use it before Friday. Hope he can find a ride.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 13, 2020
friend: I had such a great sleep, I woke up really relaxed and refreshed— Just J (@junejuly12) January 15, 2020
me: [thinks back to my last great sleep in...’08] oh yeah, same
Sorry, I can't come down for real dinner yet. I have to finish the fake meal my toddler is slowly cooking for me.— Walking Outside in Slippers (@WalkingOutside) January 13, 2020
kids:— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) January 16, 2020
me: it's bedtime
kids: ok hold on we have to build a house, write a book, perform surgery, travel for business, can you cut my nails and also [projectile vomitting]
8y.o: “What’s this?”— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) January 12, 2020
Me: “It’s where a pay phone used to be. You’d put a quarter into the phone & make a call from there.”
8: “How much was it to use any of the other apps, though?”
AWAKE: Omg I’m going to lose my shit, these kids are crazy— ☕️MacgyveringMom22🍷 (@MacgyveringM22) January 16, 2020
ASLEEP: Omg my heart is going to explode, look how precious they are
You finally get a job you’ve been wanting forever and everyone you know who’s had it raves about it and so you’re really psyched to get the job and then it turns out to be all consuming and spirit crushing and you wonder why no one warned you it was THIS hard?! That’s parenting.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) January 11, 2020
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This article originally appeared on HuffPost.