Meta Warns That Mark Zuckerberg Could Die at Any Moment

Death Note

Executives over at Meta-formerly-Facebook are freaked out enough by CEO Mark Zuckerberg's extracurriculars that they're straight up warning investors that he might midlife crisis himself right off this mortal plane.

In the company's annual financial report, Meta warned that Zuckerberg and other unnamed "members of management" have taken to engaging in "various high-risk activities, such as combat sports, extreme sports, and recreational aviation, which carry the risk of serious injury and death."

"If Mr. Zuckerberg were to become unavailable for any reason, there could be a material adverse impact on our operations," the filing said, in what may be the biggest understatement of the year thus far. "The loss of other key personnel, including members of management as well as key engineering, product development, marketing, and sales personnel, could also disrupt our operations and have an adverse effect on our business."

There's obviously a lot left unsaid between the lines of that statement, not least of which that the increasingly zany CEO — and, apparently, other people in ranking positions at the social giant — is putting not only himself at risk, but also his business and the livelihoods of the 67,000-odd people still employed there after its several rounds of layoffs over the past few years.

Fight Club

Last summer, Zuckerberg and his rival apparent, fellow social network owner and mass-firer Elon Musk, agreed to meet each other in the ring for some good old-fashioned hand-to-hand combat. So far, various factors including objections from Musk's supermodel mother have kept them from facing off just yet.

While it doesn't seem like company executives are suggesting that Musk is going to be Zuckerberg's cause of death — he has Zuckerberg battled other foes in a martial arts setting — it also proposed that any number of his other high-risk activities could bring about the elder millennial's untimely demise, including his interest in surfing on a raised platform (known as hydrofoiling) and his more recent desire to attain his pilot's license.

Despite the warnings, Meta's stock skyrocketed after the financial disclosure dropped, suggesting that thoughts of the CEO's potentially imminent death weren't a total downer.

Could the segment about Zuckerberg's dangerous hobbies have been a ploy to raise Meta's stock price? Nobody at our pay grade knows the answer to that question — but it seems that his macho man antics are gaining a lot of interest all the same.

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