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Putin’s Missiles Take Out Terrorist Iranian Cows

Rob Garver
Putin’s Missiles Take Out Terrorist Iranian Cows

A new and disturbing danger has apparently arisen in the Middle East, and the Russian military is on it. It appears that cows have begun aligning themselves with terrorist organizations, and Russian President Vladimir Putin’s forces are taking the steps necessary to shut down this bovine threat before things get any worse.

How else to translate the events of the past several days?

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Shortly after Russian warships in the Caspian Sea launched a reported 26 cruise missiles toward Syria on Wednesday, Russian President Vladimir Putin and Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu appeared on television to celebrate the success of the attack.

Shoigu announced that all 26 of the missiles struck within three meters of their intended targets, and he claimed that no civilian buildings were damaged.

In televised comments, Putin added, “The fact that we have launched precision-guided weapons from the Caspian at a range of around 1,500 km and hit all the targets indicates the good status of defense industry and the good skills of the personnel.”

However, reports began to trickle out on Thursday that perhaps not all of the Russian missiles had actually made it into Syria. A report from the town of Takab, which is directly under the flight path of the Russian missiles as revealed by maps released by the Kremlin, detailed how a massive explosion at around 6 a.m. rocked the rural area on Wednesday.

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The “unidentified flying object” exploded several hundred meters outside Takab, close enough to shake buildings and frighten residents.

It also killed “several head of cattle,” according to the report.

On Thursday, U.S. intelligence officials told reporters that as many as four of the Russian  missiles had crash landed in rural Iran. However, there was immediate pushback from both Russia and from Iran, which has joined the Kremlin in backing Assad with troops and weapons.

Iranian General Musa Kamali told the Kremlin-run News site Sputnik that reports of Russian missiles going off-target were “blatant lies” and part of a Western propaganda campaign.

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The Kremlin stuck to its claim that all 26-missile attacks were successful.

“No matter how unpleasant and unexpected for our colleagues in the Pentagon and Langley was yesterday's high-precision strike on Islamic State infrastructure in Syria, the fact remains that all missiles launched from our ships have found their targets,” said Russian Defense Ministry spokesman Maj. Gen. Igor Konashenkov.

So if Russia is indeed only targeting terrorists, as it has said, and if no missiles went off target, that can lead to only one conclusion: the cows were terrorists.

The U.S. and its allies haven’t many kind words for Vladimir Putin these days, but he should at least be thanked for identifying this new threat and taking prompt and decisive action to neutralize it.

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