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SexFit: Because We Don’t Have Enough Things to Measure

SexFit device
SexFit device

It was only a matter of time.

I know what you’re thinking: The recent hot, sweaty tryst between wearable technology and fitness trackers has spawned gazillions of products that can be worn on different places on the body and used to track everything from your respiratory rate to your body mass index. So why hasn’t anyone come up with a product that you can use during sexy times? Where, you are probably thinking, is the personal trainer for your privates?

Fear not, fellow pervs. Bondara, Britain’s biggest online retailer of brown-paper-wrapped packages, has developed a prototype product called the SexFit, which records statistics about a man’s performance in bed. Because what guy doesn’t love being thoroughly evaluated about that?

SexFit website screenshot
SexFit website screenshot

Tweet me, stud.

The SexFit — and before you ask, yes, it is my job to write this — is worn on the male genitalia to help provide a stronger erection, and connects to a companion smartphone app via Bluetooth or WiFi so that you can measure the important things about a romantic moment, like calories burned and thrusts per minute. The information collected gets sent to your phone, for those romantic reminiscing sessions about past statistical analyses, as well as tips for beating your previous score. Sorry, I meant improving your performance to better please your lover.

There is also a row of lights on this contraption — because what’s sexier than an LED glow emanating from your lover’s nether regions? — to help the man set just the right pace, at least as determined by the number of lights and vibrations coming from the SexFit. Frankly, I think it would be easier to pay closer attention to your partner, but maybe I’m just a poor sport.

Did I mention that there’s a social component to this, too, beyond the regular bedtime activities? Oh, yes: You can also share your efforts on social media, to both mystify and gross out your online friends. (But you have to admit that it’s a lot more interesting than reading the results of yet another personality quiz.)

Bondara says that it intends to start product testing before the end of 2014 and hopes to have the SexFit available for improving your “shagability” by spring 2015.

Is there something weirdly popular on the Internet that you’d like explained? Write to Deb Amlen at buzzologyYT@yahoo.com and let her know. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter (@debamlen).