U.S. Markets open in 1 hr 47 mins

Nation Annoyed About Having To Spend Long Weekend Away From Work

The Onion

The Syria conflict intensifies as bears enter the war, a report shows that millions of courageous Americans are overcoming the media pressure to be thin, and the nation’s single men announce a plan to change their bedsheets by 2019. It's the week of August 30, 2013.