30 Tweets That Speak The Truth About Married Life
Certain experiences are rather common among married couples, it seems: arguments about who’s more tired, ongoing thermostat negotiations and leftover Halloween candy binges, to name a few.
Below, we’ve gathered 30 relatable tweets that capture the married experience with accuracy and humor in 280 characters or less.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 3, 2018
Wife: I just want a bar where it's not very loud and the drinks are cheap and there aren't any other people.
Me: So you want to drink at home?
Wife: That sounds perfect.— "Bare Minimum Parenting" in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) November 2, 2018
Me texting husband at Target: They’re just tampons. Get the ones in the pink box on the top shelf.
My husband texting me at Home Depot: It’s just a socket wrench 3/4 hex right cosine the square root of 238 sudden death overtime. It has a black handle.— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) November 8, 2018
When your wife of 26 years asks you how old you are. True love.
— Bart (@jbmsoccerdad) October 30, 2018
Whenever my husband shows me affection and my dogs get jealous, I have to tell them that they are my true loves and he means nothing to me.
— Stacey (@skittle624) November 3, 2018
On a scale of one-to-seeing-your-husband-napping, how annoyed are you?
— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 6, 2018
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number
*thermostat negotiations*— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 9, 2018
Wife: You’re having more Halloween candy?
Me: I’m in training for Thanksgiving. You think that kind of gluttony is easy?
(Puts on headband)
(Turns on eye of the tiger)
(Opens a snickers)— Jeff (@dadsrpeopletoo) November 8, 2018
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
— Tracie Tom (@tracietom) June 6, 2018
Marriage...because I love getting yelled at for leaving a light on and for turning a light off.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) November 4, 2018
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.— Dan (@dadopotamus) November 3, 2018
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She asked me to pick up some grated parmesan but I got shredded parmesan.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) November 5, 2018
Can't wait for my husband to get home from work so we can have our traditional passive aggressive war about who has more reasons to be tired.
— Elisabeth. (@YourMomsucksTho) November 6, 2018
I just made my husband apologize to me 6 times for not ordering me a lemonade if you’re wondering how easy I am to live with.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) November 4, 2018
Wife: You're so childish. I'm leaving you.
Me: Good luck with that. The floor is lava.— Ian Sausage (@stephenjmolloy) October 3, 2018
It doesn't matter what I'm complaining about, my husband's solution is always, "We'll both feel better if you take your bra off."
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 29, 2018
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.— Oops!...I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 4, 2018
I’m Still Mad At You: A guide to marriage
— Dorky Romano (@SuperApple80) November 6, 2018
I mainly got married so I can have someone answer the door when the take-out comes.
— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) November 7, 2018
[newly-weds]
Me: I love you.
Him: I love you more.
[married 10 years]
Me: *farts*
Him: *farts longer*— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 7, 2018
Showed the wife my tweets.
"HA HA. You're SOOO funny. You should be a COMEDIAN!"
Very proud. I'd never given her multiple sarcasms before.— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) March 24, 2013
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) September 23, 2018
I have to apologize to my wife for being able to sleep on a plane because she can't.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 7, 2018
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I'm leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run— Andrew Fowler (@fowlerism) June 14, 2018
I’ve never been a morning person, but since the husband leaves for work at 5:45am, I’m out of bed every day at 5:46 jacking up the thermostat.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) November 9, 2018
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: This is the style now. You tuck it in front and leave it out in the back. It’s like a shirt mullet.— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) October 28, 2018
My wife is convinced that Cap’n Crunch is the Quaker Oats guy in disguise and it’s ruining our marriage please help pic.twitter.com/COswJGlCUh
— Skoog (@Skoogeth) October 30, 2018
I wonder if my husband ever watches me shut my own body in the car door and thinks, "This woman is keeping my children alive."
— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) August 6, 2018
Marriage: lost things edition
Husband loses something, wife searches entire house looking for item
Wife loses something, husband scans his field of vision from the couch and yells “it’s not in here”— AnxiousMomma (@anxiousmommaof2) October 10, 2018
I want my wife to look at me like she looks at dry shampoo.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 15, 2018
Related Coverage
40 Hilarious Tweets About Marriage That Just Nailed It This Year
Wife's Comics About Married Life Are Just So Darn Relatable
If You Share A Bed With Your S.O. And A Pet, This Comic Is For You
Also on HuffPost
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 23, 2018
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”— Maybe She... (@CantWaitToNap) March 26, 2018
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 30, 2018
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*
[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 29, 2018
“Where does this go?”
- my husband cleaning— StaceyLynne (@StaceyLynne_44) March 4, 2018
Started a movie 45 mins ago with my wife.
We’re 7 mins in.— Salamingia (@salamingia) January 27, 2018
90% of my text messages are my wife checking to see if I’ve done something yet.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 25, 2018
If your wife birthed your big-headed baby, then you clean the hair out of the shower drain. Those are the rules.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 27, 2018
Just once I wish when my wife says “we need to talk” she surprises me and starts up a conversation about Mexican food.
— AmericanⒼⓔⓝⓣ (@AmericanGent69) February 24, 2018
*Looking for something around the house.
Me: Have you seen it?
Wife: Yes, I put it back where it belongs.
Me: Ah, thank you.
*Still has no idea where it is.— Slade’s Situation™ (@Dad_in_Brief) March 9, 2018
If you like getting angry at the way someone turns a doorknob, marriage may be right for you.
— Betty (@BoomBoomBetty) March 25, 2018
I hadn’t realised that marriage would make having a spare room quite such a necessity.
— Lord Baconbutt (@Gupton68) April 3, 2018
Love is letting her charge her phone first.
Marriage is buying a second charger.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2018
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I'm driving and then she controls the radio.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) March 28, 2018
What part of if I'm on a diet he's on a diet does my husband not understand?
— Denise (@food_shoes_life) March 24, 2018
Oh your husband bought you a designer handbag? Mine ordered me my very own large pizza
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 23, 2018
Marriage is just smiling and nodding after you've read the same sentence 12 times because they keep talking in 20 second intervals and OH MY GOD JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT AND BE QUIET SO I CAN FINISH THIS 3 PARAGRAPH ARTICLE.
— Trace of Bass (@the_migglest) March 31, 2018
The wife always knows when I've emptied the dishwasher because I leave the cabinet doors flung open like I just got a warrant to toss the house.
— ☠ How YOU Doin ☠ (@jollyrobber) March 2, 2018
My wife just replied to my email with “Unsubscribe.”
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) March 27, 2018
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He's only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 4, 2018
I know my wife is mad at me when the kids ask something and instead of "Ask your dad." she says "Go see what ROBERT thinks."
— Sir Rüb 🐐🐚 (@chocmoney1974) April 4, 2018
I describe my husband’s style as “OMG! Are you going to wear that in public?”
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) December 1, 2017
90% of marriage is just loud cleaning.
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) March 26, 2018
“Does this smell ok?” and “Guess when I last washed my hair?” are just two examples of fun games you can play to spice up your marriage.
— Brooke Siegel (@brookejena) March 23, 2018
Me after date night with Hubs: Ugh, I’m going to change into something more comfortable
*takes off going-out yoga pants, puts on staying-in yoga pants— Housy Wife (@wife_housy) March 25, 2018
Husband: I emptied the toaster crumbs & cleaned the toaster.
Me: Aw!!! I was going to do that today!— Lorie (@LorieGZ) March 24, 2018
WIFE: oh yeah baby, keep doing it just like that
ME: *picking kids’ coats up off the floor and hanging them in the closet*— eric (@ericsshadow) March 23, 2018
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn't make the cut this year.
— α geek (@alfageeek) March 17, 2013
(100 miles from exit)
Wife: You need to get in the right lane.— DPW (@pondermymaker) March 1, 2018
There isn’t a self help book in the world that can prepare you for the disappointment you feel when a random package arrives from Amazon and you find out it’s just the golf balls your husband ordered.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 30, 2018
Being married is just wiping someone else's toothpaste spittle off the vanity mirror EVERYDAY.
— C~ (@aGreeneyedChic) March 25, 2018
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See - Dieting”— Cydni Beer (@themessednest) March 16, 2018
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 10, 2018
My husband has 2 pairs of crocs so all I’m saying is don’t rush into marriage
— JPo (@Peauxtassium) April 16, 2018
Love HuffPost? Become a founding member of HuffPost Plus today.
This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
